Blue Moon (gxg)

Doubts and worries (26)

We were still on the terrace of the resort,
the sun was breaking through the sky.
It was going to be a very sunny day.

Bella rested her arms on the wall and turned to me playfully: "I wonder if they serve breakfast this earlier..."

I burst into a laugh: "Is this your way of telling me you're hungry?"

She raised an eyebrow.
It was a really attractive habit of hers.

She winked at me, crossing her arms "You read my mind, Ellie..."
I smiled, offering her my hand: "Fine, let's risk it..."

We left the terrace and went to the hall where breakfast was served.
It was so early that we were the only ones besides the waiters.

Bella and I picked up two plates and started to walk through the buffet.
I stared to all that food but... I didn't feel like it.

"I just need my coffee..." I urgently asked her.

Bella looked in my direction with a cryptic, thoughtful look:
"Sure. Just take this in the meantime..." She said as she put breakfast on my empty plate.

This seemed strange to me... that was an undeniably sweet gesture I wasn't used to.

Then I remembered all the times when, with Joe, I had forced myself to follow a diet I didn't ask for.
Or even depriving myself of certain things.

Joe cares about his body almost obsessively, so he always follows a certain diet.
And because I had neither the desire nor certainly the patience to see his judgmental gaze towards me... I tended to be okay with that kind of food.

God... I did realized all these things now that Joe was not with me and I was free to do whatever I wanted...

"Not hungry?" Bella interrupted my stream of consciousness.
"Not really..."
Thinking about that thing had certainly not helped me.

Bella nodded slowly: "What's bothering you?" She asked worriedly.

I started to pondering a little too much, but I didn't have the courage to speak yet.
"Nothing... let's just eat..." I tried to change the subject, hoping she would follow me.

I did lowered my tormented eyes to my plate but I can still feel her gaze on me.

"Please, tell me..." She insisted.
"Bella..."
She let go of what was in her hand and turned her attention to me: "I can see you are worried about something..."

I sighed: "It's not about you... It's just-"
I cut myself off.
"I just don't want to ruin this moment..." My voice was shaking.

"This is not ruining anything, Ellie... maybe we need to talk about it, whatever it is..." She said.

Just the way she talks to me, makes me feel safe.

I nodded slowly as I took a deep breath.
"How..." I stopped.

No. I can't stop right now, I need to ask her one of my concerns.
Plus... I don't want her to feel wrong about anything.

"How are you coping with all of this... with him?" I whispered.

I hate myself for just mentioning her... boyfriend.

"If you are worried about that..."
She swallowed, but recomposed herself almost immediately.
"I am willing to pretend this is not happening when I talk to him... I am already doing that, Ellie." She affirmed confidently.

I nodded in her direction:
"Me too... and that's somehow easier than I expected, but..."
I stopped myself again.

"But?" She encouraged me to speak out.