Maybe Next Time

Chapter 10

It's been a week of stress and sleepless nights. I’ve had so much to handle because finals are next week and today is our research defense! Yes, today, as in right now!

Luckily, ay wala akong nararamdamang kaba because I knew my research. Kami ang gumawa, kami ang nakakaalam ng bawat parts ng research paper namin at mas lalong pinag aralan namin ito for four months. At isa pa, may tiwala naman ako sa mga kasama ko. I know they can do it. They will do well.

Yesterday, we bought a box of short bond papers and printer ink. We printed four copies: three for the panelists and one for ourselves. Dhea also printed copies, pero kaming tatlo ay hindi na. Because we knew na makakasagot kami dahil nga inaral na namin ito.

After printing, we practiced as much as we could. I prepared a ton of questions for us to be ready for anything the panelists might ask.

When we were sure everything was settled, we went home to sleep early and relax our minds, so we’d be fully prepared to answer all the questions

Well, it turned out that I did manage to sleep early, so now the five of us are waiting outside the office to prepare ourselves. We are required to wear formal attire, so I’m wearing a blue blouse and black trousers. I also put on my black heels and black blazer. Dhea gave us printed name tags, which was also a requirement.

After a while, we were called in. We stood up straight in front of the panelists, plastered our smiles, and began our brief presentation. Everything went well as we were able to explain each part of the presentation clearly.

Now it’s time for the question and answer portion, where the panelists are likely to address the minor gaps they noticed.

"How did you come up with your survey questionnaire?" asked our first panelist.

"Our survey questionnaire is an adaptive type of survey. We researched questions that are related to our topic. After that, we listed all of these and gathered all the references to ensure that the questions were effective," Joyce replied.

So far, we were only asked five questions by the panelists. In short, each of us answered just one question. I felt so happy and proud of my teammates. They did their best to ensure that our research paper was thorough and error-free.

"Congratulations. Job well done. Research defended" anunsyo sa amin ng head of the panelists.

My classmates immediately started asking how the defense went—whether there were many questions or if the panelists’ questions were difficult. I didn’t want to worry them, so I reassured them that they could handle it and that they would be able to answer all the questions.

After a few minutes, I saw Lachlan. He seemed like he wanted to say something to me. But I also had something I wanted to say to him...

I’m scared, but my anxiety outweighs my fear. For a week, all I did was think about whether I have feelings for him or if I like him. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. And finally, I decided that if our defense went well, I would confess my feelings to him.

Hindi ko alam. Mataas naman ang confidence ko na baka gusto niya rin ako. Malakas yung kutob ko at isa pa nararamdaman ko rin naman. Alam kong gusto niya ako at hindi ako mabibigo.

The day has arrived. Our research defense was successful and it was defended. This is my chance to confess. This is the only way to express my hidden feelings, no matter the outcome. I believe he likes me. It shows. I hope he does.

"Congrats" sabi niya at ngumiti pa.

Grabe namang ngiti yan. Mas natutuwa pa ako sa ngiti mo than the fact na nadefend ko ang research namin.

"Congrats din Lach. By the way can we talk?" ngiti kong balik sakaniya.

"Nag uusap na tayo." sabi pa niya.

"I mean, private talk? May sasabihin lang ako"

"Sige"

Lumipat kami sa lugar na konti lang ang dumadaan na estudyante at walang makaka-kitang kaklase namin. Wala naman kaming masamang ginagawa pero ewan ko ba. Nahihiya ata ako.

"Lach" tawag ko sakaniya.

Tinignan niya lang ako at hinihintay ang sasabihin ko.

"Gusto kita" tuloy ko pa.

Naka-tingin lang ulit siya sa akin. Walang emosyon akong nababasa sa mukha niya. Ano ba dapat ang maramdaman ko. Bakit ganito?

"Wala ka bang sasabihin?" tanong ko sakaniya.

"Itulog mo lang yan" tugon niya sa akin.

Ha? Seryoso ba siya?

I don’t know what to say in response to what he said. Does he think I was joking? Doesn’t he realize how much courage I mustered just to tell him that I like him? Nakakainis. Nakakainis. Nakakainis.

Out of sheer embarrassment, I just looked down. I was on the verge of tears. This is the first time I’ve had feelings for someone and the first time I’ve confessed them face-to-face. Yung dati kasi puro crush lang tapos sa online pa ako umamin. And what do I get in return? Embarrassment

I wanted to leave right away, but I couldn’t move my feet. My vision was starting to blur as tears welled up in my eyes. Why does he have to be like this? I understand if he doesn’t like me, but why did he have to say it in that way?

I gathered my courage again to ask more. I wanted clarity. I didn’t want an answer like that. It’s a simple yes or no. Does he like me or not? I didn’t want any ambiguity

"Lach, hindi mo ba ako gusto?" tanong ko muli.

"Zaylee baka hinahanap ka na ng mga kaibigan mo" sabi niya pa.

"Bakit ba iniiba mo ang usapan Lach? Mahirap bang sagutin?" tanong ko muli.

He looked at me once more. I wanted to look away because it was so painful. I didn’t want him to notice that my tears were on the brink of falling. I didn’t want him to see that I was hurting. I didn’t want him to notice any of it.

Kaya lakas loob ko ulit siyang tinanong. Hindi ko inaalis ang paningin ko sakaniya. Isang salita lamang. Oo o hindi.

"Gusto mo ba ako? Oo o hindi lang Lach. Wag mong iniiba ang usapan" paiyak ko nang tanong.

"Hindi" walang emosyon niyang sinabi.

I couldn’t hold back any longer. I bowed my head and let myself cry. I thought— I thought he liked me. I thought he felt something for me too. It seemed impossible that he didn’t.

Kasi imposible namang wala? Bakit niya ako kinakausap lagi? Bakit niya sinasabing cute ang mga ribbons at cute ako? Bakit niya ako hinahanap sa paligid? Bakit niya napapansin ang mga maliliit na bagay na tungkol sa akin? Bakit niya ako kinakamusta? Bakit siya nakikinig sa mga kwento ko? Bakit lagi siyang nandyan kapag kailangan ko ng tulong? Bakit? Bakit?

Was I the one who was wrong? Did I hope too much? Did I let myself get carried away by his actions, which had no accompanying words?

Pinilit ko ang sarili kong tumalikod at umalis na sa harapan niya. Para hindi niya pagtawanan pa ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Tuloy-tuloy kong hinakbang ang mga paa ko para makalayo na sakaniya.

Ayoko na. Ayoko na sakaniya. Ayoko nang makita pa siyang muli. Hindi na niya ako kaibigan. Hinding-hindi ko na siya kakausapin kahit kailan.

“You’re so unfair, Zaylee. You’re the only one who understands me, and you’re doing this,” he said as I walked away, but I didn’t listen anymore. Sakit eh.