Maybe Next Time

Chapter 29

Two weeks and three days.

That's how long it's been since our last conversation, since the night I saw Lachlan looking more broken than I'd ever imagined. The days have dragged by, each one heavier than the last, a weight I can barely carry.

Dahil nagsisimula na kaming mag-asikaso ng mga kailangan naming ayusin para sa aming nalalapit na graduation, I also see him almost every day at school. Minsan ay sa hallway o di kaya ay nagkakatabi pa kami tuwing may meeting.

His presence so close yet so distant. But now, something’s changed. He doesn't look at me anymore. Kung noon ay halos palagi kaming nagkaka-tinginan, ngayon ay siya mismo ang umiiwas ng tingin. Ni-isang sulyap sa akin ay hindi na niya ginagawa.

When our paths cross, his eyes never find mine. He’s always turned away, always facing someone else. It’s as if I’ve become invisible to him. Kahit magkatabi pa kami ay parang walang epekto ang presensya ko sakaniya.

Madalas ko itong nakikitang nakikipag-usap o di kaya ay nakikipag-asaran sa mga babaeng kasama niya. I can hear snippets of their conversations, lighthearted banter that makes my chest ache.

“Lachlan, a-attend ka bukas ng culmination?” I hear one of our batchmates ask.

“Oo, wala naman akong choice,” he replied, his tone casual, almost too casual, like he’s forcing the normalcy. “Just send me the details.”

Nag-tawanan pa nga sila, and he smiles—one of those polite, empty smiles that never reaches his eyes. Kaso nga lang ay hindi na ako nito tinatapunan ng tingin. He never acknowledges that I’m even in the room. It’s like I don’t exist to him anymore.

And it hurts more than I could have imagined. Masakit pero kasalanan ko naman. I thought the silence between us was unbearable, but this—this deliberate ignoring, this shutting me out completely—feels like a knife twisting deeper every time I see him. Ngayon ko lang naintindihan kung gaano kasakit ang ipinaramdam ko sakaniya noong iniiwasan ko siya. Para bang nag fire-back sa akin ang lahat ng ginawa ko.

I wonder if this is easier for him, pretending that I'm not a part of his life anymore. Pero hindi naman talaga, ako nga mismo ang nagtulak sakaniya palayo. Siguro nga ay ganoon nga. Maybe it’s his way of coping, of protecting himself from the pain I’ve caused. Pero para sa akin ay isa itong torture. Each time he turns away, it’s like losing him all over again.

Gusto ko nalang bawiin ang lahat ng sinabi ko. Gusto kong bumalik ulit siya sa akin. Gusto kong mag-makaawa na ako nalang ulit..na gustuhin niya nalang ulit ako. But every time I gather the courage, I freeze, the words dying in my throat. I’m terrified of what I might see in his eyes if I do—resentment, disappointment, or worse, nothing at all. So, I stay silent, letting the days slip by.

The day of culmination finally arrived. Sobrang excited nina Naina at Joyce dahil one step closer na sa graduation. Nagkabati na kaming tatlo, pero hindi naman kami nag-away. Hindi na raw nila nakayang tiisin ang pag-iwas ko, kaya sinadya na nila ako sa bahay. Galit na galit sila sa akin dahil tinago ko raw lahat. Pati nga yung nangyari sa amin ni Lachlan ay itinago ko rin. Nag-sorry ako at sinimulang i-kwento ang lahat. Pagkatapos noon ay hindi na sila galit, pero nagtatampo lang raw sila sa ginawa kong pag-iwas. Parang wala raw kaming pinagsamahan. Kaya hanggang ngayon ay sinusuyo ko pa rin sila.

In today's event, I was assigned as an emcee, a role I had always enjoyed, but today, it felt more like a burden than an honor.

As I stood on stage, microphone in hand, Agad kong hinanap kung saan nakaupo si Lachlan. I wanted to see him, to catch his eye just once, to feel something—anything—other than this aching emptiness. But every time my gaze landed on him, sa iba siya nakatingin. His expression was unreadable, his focus entirely on the event, as if I were just another face in the crowd, not someone who once meant something to him.