Maybe Next Time

Chapter 28

The hallways of the university felt colder than usual, as if the very walls were silently judging me.

I clutched the documents tightly against my chest, my fingers trembling as I made my way through the familiar path to the administration office.

Hindi ko kayang makipag-tinginan sa mga tao, the shame weighing heavily on my shoulders. The whispers that seemed to follow me were like needles pricking at my already fragile heart.

Pagkatapos kong maipasa ang post training narrative report ko ay agad na akong lumabas at umalis.

As I turned to leave, I caught sight of my reflection in the glass door—eyes hollow, shoulders slumped, a shadow of the person I used to be.

It took everything in me not to break down right there, in front of everyone. I wanted to cry, to scream, to disappear. But all I could do was force my feet to move, to take me out of this place.

Ilang beses ding nag try na mag reach out sina Naina and Joyce pero hindi ko ito pinapansin. Their messages piling up, unread and unanswered. Paano ko nga ba sila haharapin? Nakakahiya ako! Ang laki pa naman ng tiwala nila sa akin pero kahit maliit na bagay ay hindi ko pa nagawa ng tama.

Noon nga palang nakauwi kami galing Manila ay agad akong dumeritso sa hospital sa sobrang pag-aalala. Limang araw rin kaming namalagi roon. Mamang’s health was another burden on my shoulders.

Salamat sa Diyos ay agad din siyang nadischarge at hindi na umabot pa ng isang linggo. Noong mga araw na iyon ay hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin, the weight of her illness, the bills, the fear of losing her—it all felt like too much.

Tuwing break-time ng trabaho ay nagtataka ako dahil lagi akong binibigyan ng mga katrabaho ko ng pagkain. Minsan ay nagtataka pa ako dahil binibigyan lang ba nila ako dahil naaawa lang sila sa akin o sadyang mabait lang talaga sila.  Sinubukan kong hindi tanggapin ang mga bigay nila pero lagi pa rin nila itong ipinipilit. Ni-isang araw ay wala silang absent sa pagbibigay sa akin. 

Hindi lang iyon. Lagi pa rin akong hinihintay ni Lachlan sa labas ng pinagta-trabuhan ko tuwing malapit na ang uwian.

No matter how late my shift ended, he would be standing there, a silent sentinel, hoping, I suppose, for some sign that I’d let him back in. But I couldn’t.

His usually bright eyes were dimmed, encircled by deep, dark bags that told the story of countless sleepless nights. His skin, once healthy and sun-kissed, had taken on a pale, almost sickly hue, making him look as if he hadn’t seen daylight in weeks. Sobrang laki nang ipinag-bago niya. Kumakain pa kaya siya? o di kaya matulog man lang?

His persistence only reminded me of how much I’d failed—failed him, failed myself, and failed everyone who had ever believed in me. Hindi ko siya kayang makita at mas lalong ayoko siyang makita. Natatakot ako...natatakot akong baka napipilitan lang siya sa akin pero sa totoo ay puro awa at dismayado ang nararamdaman niya.

Gusto kong sabihin na umuwi na siya, na tigilan niya ang paghihintay sa akin, na iwanan na niya akong mag isa at tigilan niya ang pagpapahirap niya sa sarili niya. But I couldn’t even muster the strength to speak.

So, I just walked past him every night, head down, pretending he wasn’t there, hoping that one day he would stop showing up. Pero ayaw nitong tumigil.

"Usap naman tayo Zaylee, Please"

"May ginawa ba akong masama?" Wala kang ginawang masama. Ako pa nga yung may ginawang masama.

"Wag naman ganito please. Kausapin mo naman ako"

I keep on ignoring him. I’d deactivated all my social media, shut out the world, and focused on the monotonous routine of work, and the hollow shell of a home that was once filled with warmth and laughter.