That night, Taylor was at home, staring at her antidepressants. She sighed as she set the reminder on her phone for the morning to start taking them.
Last time she took them, she suffered from a period of insomnia while her body adjusted to them so the therapist had advised to take them first thing in the morning but as she read the list of side effects she knew she could be in for a rough few days.
She sighed, putting them down before heading back to the living room. She pulled out a journal and pen, writing at the top "compulsions"
She began to list everything she did – all the checks, all the counting, all the cleaning.
On the next page she listed the emotions she often felt – mostly anxiety and panic but she went through the whole spectrum of emotions and listed them.
The next page she wrote a list of things that often helped her when she needed to calm her anxiety– painting, writing, watching TV, baking, cooking, researching and planning a new recipe, going for a walk. The list continued.
She checked all three pages before she felt she had achieved something tonight.
The therapist had wanted her to list the compulsions so when she felt the urge to do them, she could read it and realise what was happening. By listing the emotions she would realise what she was feeling was normal for this period and it would reassure her it WOULD pass in time.
The coping mechanisms were to help her when she was feeling anxious and couldn't decide what to do to calm down, by having a list she didn't have to think in that moment when her brain would already be at capacity.
The blonde headed upstairs, going to bed early. She knew she would need to be well rested to try and face everything tomorrow.
The night passed surprisingly quickly and Taylor only woke up when her alarm blared from her phone the following morning.
She hauled herself out of bed, heading downstairs to the kitchen. She went to the cupboard, grabbing a mug to make her coffee. As she closed the door, the sudden urge took over her and she opened and closed it again, and again, and again, and again. 5 times. Safe.
She went about making her coffee before sitting down, she tapped her fingers – 1,2,3,4,5. Just as she was about to start again, her phone pinged with a text from her mum 'how are you feeling this morning? xx'
She sighed as she read it, looking down and trying to figure out how to respond. Finally she tapped out the typical message 'I'm ok. I feel better now I have a plan in place. Onwards and upwards xx'
Of course she didn't mean a word of it – but she couldn't bare to worry her even more.
At 9am her phone dinged, reminding her it was time to take her antidepressants. She sighed, pushing it out of the packaging before looking over at it. Although she knew it was the right thing to do, there was still a moment of hesitation – she really did hate how they made her feel. She always felt a bit disconnected on them – like she wasn't 100% herself, but then the realisation hit that that was what she needed right now – she needed to be separated from herself slightly so she could work through these intrusive thought she had. With that fresh in her mind, she lifted the pill to her mouth, swallowing it down quickly with some water.
That afternoon, Tree came back over – she brought her laptop to get some work done, but she knew the blonde would need support.
When she got there, Taylor was anxiously flittering around. She had cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and was rearranging all of her books into alphabetical order. Tree had let her finish with the promise she would rest afterwards.
