Dear Mama,
It's been a while since I wrote to you. I know. I'm sorry. I've been busy. I've been busy finally trying to be a normal highschooler.
Anyway, I hope kung nasan ka man you're happy and free. Lagi ko yang sinasabi each time I write to you, but I truly mean it every time.
Hay naku, ma. Grabe. It's only been a week and a lot has happened already. I feel so much more involved in school now than the past three years of high school. Thanks to my new friend. :)
I'm pretty sure nag-tatatalon ka na dyan sa tuwa because I finally have a friend. Grabe ka ma ha. It was my personal choice not to make friends, and you know that naman. Ikaw naman kasi, bakit moko iniwan? Ayan tuloy, takot nakong ma-attach. Haaaay.
Well, enough of that already. I don't want to continue making you feel guilty kasi it doesn't help me down here either. Ayoko na mag-drama. I've done enough of that.
If you've been following me around—which good angel mothers should, by the way—nakita mo na siguro na I've been hanging out with this girl. You probably also know her name: Jane.
Hay, mama ko. I don't remember the last time I've ever felt this burden-free in my life. I mean—I don't know. Ang hirap i-explain. Jane has this special magic in her na somehow managed to break down my walls.
I honestly thought at one point na she was like a rash na won't go away, but if Jane was a rash, she's the only rash I don't ever want to go away.
For some reason, kahit na my last year of high school wasn't off to a good start (or so I thought), Jane made it a whole lot better. Ironic noh? Yung akala ko na was going to be one of the things that would make senior year hell for me, sya din pala yung magpapagaan nito.
Tita Weng may be right. If you were eavesdropping sa conversation namin ni tita, you heard na she told me to give this girl a chance kasi baka daw si Jane na yung sagot sa dasal ko. I think she's right, mom. I've been praying to God to lift this heavy burden in my heart. For the first time in so long, ang gaan-gaan ng pakiramdam ko.
And I'm scared.
Natatakot ako, mama. The only person that ever made me feel safe and comfortable was you. Natatakot ako na maging so attached ako kay Jane na I'd be shattered again pag nawala sya.
Jane is not made to withstand someone like me, ma. Magkaibang-magkaiba yung mundo namin kahit na pakiramdam ko we've breached that already. We've surpassed it. Kaya mas nakakatakot eh. Nung una pinigilan ko naman eh. I tried to push her away. I did my best to make her dislike me. Pero ewan, mama, baliktad naman yung epekto sa kanya at sa akin na din. The more ko syang pinush away, the more she pulled herself back towards me. Ako naman tong si weakling eh hindi na rin nakatiis. But can you blame me, mama? Ang bait nung tao. There's nothing to hate about her. She's the kind na people would love to hate and hate to love. I can't help it. She's just so genuine.
Minsan nga naiisip ko na she's too good to be true. I'm scared na I'm letting my walls down too fast for her. What if she's the kind na mabilis kaibiganin pero mabilis ka rin nyang lilisanin? Ano ba yan, mama? Ang lalim ng tagalog ko. Tama pa ba yung mga pinagsasabi ko? My tagalog is kind of rusty, so forgive me if I use the wrong words here. Anyway, mama naman kita, I know you wouldn't mind.
It just feels so nice having that genuine human interaction again, ma. I don't have to pretend or put on a mask. I can just be me. Tita Weng's trying to give that to me, I know. Ako lang naman talaga yung awkward. Iba ka. Syempre kasi mama kita. It's unfair to compare tita Weng to you. I guess what I'm trying to say is: ever since you left, I've felt really lost. I told you that many times already sa mga previous letters ko. I felt like no matter how much tita Weng and tito Kahl tried to make me feel welcome and that I belong dito sa kanila, hindi ko maramdaman na I belong here or anywhere. I've been feeling dissociated with everything and everyone—like I exist physically in this world, but it's just an empty body. I'm like a balloon: empty on the inside and just hovering and letting the wind push me wherever. Parang ang tagal ko nang nararamdaman toh, I've become so used to it. I've forgotten how to feel human emotions. I wasn't living, I was barely existing. You know what happens to balloons that are up in the sky—eventually, they fall back down.
Then I met Jane. Kahit na negative emotion yung una kong naramdaman towards her kasi she annoyed me so much sa detention na I got really frustrated, she was the first, in a very long time, to ever trigger an emotion from me.
From frustration to feeling impatient kasi ayaw nyako tantanan—then to feeling guilt and remorse. Kasi naman eh. I didn't know she was that nice, malay ko ba? Kasi naman sa mga movies laging pinoportray na mean girl yung mga popular girls. Who knew that the popular girl could also be the heroine of the story? I for sure didn't. Then from guilt and remorse, she showed me how to forgive and give her another chance. Kasi yun yung ginawa nya para sakin eh. Kahit gano ako ka-mean sa kanya, she agreed to give me a chance to start over.
Kung si Jane eh popular girl na heroine ng story, ako naman yung loner girl na nga, mean girl pa. Talk about a story that breaks clichés noh, mama? That's PB & vaNella for you. Isa pa yan. We're breaking the norms here, mom. We're changing things around here. PB & J? Sus. That's the thing of the past. It's PB & vaNella now, and we're going to sweep nations and take over the world by storm.
Baka isipin ni tita Weng nababaliw na yung anak mo, mama. Natawa kasi ako out loud. Ang OA kasi ng mga pinagsasasabi ko. Cringey is what they call it nowadays.
Medyo late na rin pala kaya I'm going to have to wrap this up soon.
I guess moral of the story is about not closing your doors to change, kasi had I closed my door on Jane and stayed isolated, then I would have lost all the opportunities to feel the things that I have been feeling lately because of her.
I'm just thankful I have her around. I'm thankful for the things she allowed me to experience and feel dahil sa kanya. We're barely getting through the first week, pero ang dami na nyang magagandang naparamdam sakin, mama. I really really am grateful. I've never felt this alive in so long. Jane made me feel that, ma. She really did. Just—please God, let this all be real and if it is, I hope it's something that would stay for a very long time.
Tulog nako, mama. Maaga pako bukas. Ingat ka kung san ka man namamasyal-masyal ha. I love you, ma. Miss na miss na kita. Sama ka lang sakin palagi ha. I don't mind having my mom tagging along wherever I go. In fact, mas prefer ko yun. Samahan mo lang ako palagi. You're always welcome to come with me everywhere. :) And as usual, I'm going to ask you again, please make your presence known all the time. Let me know whenever you're with me. You don't have to do anything drastic naman like pagalawin yung baso or anything like that. If you could, just please take the time to make me feel na nakagabay ka lang sakin, na di man kita makita, you're just close by. Maramdaman ko lang na nandyan ka, sapat na. That's enough to get me through each day of not having you here physically with me. So please, ma, magparamdam ka lang every chance you get. I love you so much. I send my hugs and kisses and love to you all the way up there in heaven.
Until next time, I'll talk to you later.
Love always and forever,
Your baby :*
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Hey You
Fanfiction"Hey You" is a JaneNella Fanfiction starring Jane De Leon and Janella Salvador. Indeed, love moves in mysterious ways. It tucks its way deep into the corners of even those with the most stubborn hearts, and they won't even know it. No one can get a...
