chasing girl wonder

chewing slowly

"Pad Kra Pao. Ha! Thank you, sport," Sinn chirped, his mouth curving into a full smile upon removing the lid of the stainless-steel lunch box Lisa brought him the next day. "Yours always reminds me of home home, know what I mean?"

Dropping her gaze to the hospital blanket, Lisa tugged the visor of her black Nirvana logo cap down. No, she had no idea what Sinn meant, and she could not care less expounding on that topic. She did not take it as a heartwarming comment, only a bitter nostalgic remark from her dad who had no right to even mention that word. It was difficult for her to believe him yearning for the way things used to be because he decided to leave that home.

"Were you worried about me, sport?" Sinn asked in a cautious voice, observing Lisa's reaction—her usual silence that he never got through completely.

Lisa barely nodded, quite shy to admit that she was. Tiger JK surely did tell Sinn anyway, so there was no point repeating it. The admittance did not hurt her ego a tiny bit. It was just her whole thing growing up—jumping between fully expressing her softness and not letting any vulnerability show. It was difficult for her to love the family who chose to break it all apart. But then again, it was her fault.

"Sorry if I made you worry," Sinn said, drawing a breath in between his teeth and wincing upon the breath settling in his throat. "It was no big deal."

"It's my fault. I made you worry when I—Sorry I didn't reply to your texts and," Lisa paused and rested a hand on the front panel of her cap and kept her head down to avoid eye contact as she murmured another apology, "Sorry if I never returned your calls."

"Not your fault, sport. I was being a very uncool, pain-in-the-ass dad." Sinn replaced the lunch box cover and gestured for Lisa to move the hospital overbed table to the side as he was not feeling hungry yet. "Aaah," he released a long sigh, followed by a gentle smile at his daughter, "thanks for the Pad Kra Pao. Brings me back home. Life was so simple back then. Don't you think so?"

What her dad's idealized version of the past was, Lisa had no clue if it was before she was born, and her parents only had Nickhun, or if it was before Amara died. The memories she had of him were her foggiest years except for the tragic accident that cost Amara's life. The next years without him were only cloudy patches of gaping wounds. All she remembered when Sinn and Nichkhun were saying goodbye was how the child version of her grappled with the thought that her dad and brother were off somewhere to find Amara. Without her. And she hoped they could find her.

The ghost of Nichkhun's pubescent male voice was suddenly so loud in the hospital room.

"You could've saved Amara because that's what a big sister would have done!"

Lisa had to press her eyes tight closed momentarily to shut the voice down. It was strange not having Love around when she would be in the presence of somebody who hurt her so much. When Tiger JK was leaving the room to give them the space to talk, she requested him to take Love for a walk. At first, Tiger JK looked like he would argue, but at her insistence, he followed wordlessly, releasing his usual cackle before exiting with Love on a leash. Later she would tell him proudly that she was learning to take a bite as he always pushed her to do so.

"Joy was as graspable as mangos all year round," Sinn continued to keep the conversation casual, his eyes smiling along with his lips.

Gradually opening her eyes, Lisa chuckled briefly. She lifted her face and saw Sinn looking youthful. The realization that she looked a lot more like her dad clutched that part of her heart that remained a child—abandoned in the silence of grief of her mom who never wanted to talk about Amara, so she would not feel guilty. But that fucked her up big time that she had to contain everything inside, and now that she was twenty-six years old, five feet six inches tall, she started to think if that massive ball of grief had enough space inside of her when it always felt so much bigger than her. So much weightier than her skull. "I don't know, dad. You could've moved to the Philippines instead of Korea. Mango's crazy expensive here, and it's not common to grow them here."