chasing girl wonder

spiced elixir

There was only silence after Lisa cried in Nana's arms. The two of them sat across from each other, staring at the view from the picture window, a small, pink garden that had illuminated plank wood stairs in odd shapes that spiraled underground, leading to the wine cellar that guests could visit while dining.

Neither of them had touched the appetizer, a corn soup with lime, jalapeños, bacon, and chives. It was funny, Lisa thought—how she would lose her appetite when her heart hurt as opposed to how others deal with such sadness. Too much sadness did not make her hungry that much when there were too many intangible things eating at her inside. The kind of hunger it would leave later was unquenchable. An emptiness that would snowball as time went by. Never fed. Taken to the grave. What was far more terrifying was how it easily sucked her temporary bliss like the monsoon season carrying summer rain earlier than its supposed arrival. She was in a constant loop where her sadness had to eat away at her happiness. Or maybe, her body was never used to such impermanent joy that it was having withdrawal symptoms even before she even consumed it whole.

Why did I allow myself even to be close to the sun?

She propped her temple at the palm of her hand and fixed her gaze outside. "You had your tattoos removed," she said in a hoarse voice without glancing at Nana. It was the first thing she noticed upon seeing her and it was perhaps a good conversation starter before they talked about the subject they had been avoiding for years. About what their tears meant. And why they both decided to be there instead of somewhere else. Or with somebody else.

Removing the sunny side up egg tattoo was probably a clear message that Nana wanted her deleted from her life too. But showing up without any warning was worse. Nana was her monsoon.

Is this my monsoon reaching its eventual end too?

Nana looked at her arms and chest which used to bear random tattoos of a spider web, leaves, branches, a snake, and other random drawings that looked like a kid's crayon doodles. Some of the deeper inked scars remained noticeable, but they faded a little overall. "I was still young, I would say when I got most of them, so I kind of regret some of them." She chuckled, running a hand over her wrist where there used to be a colored sunny side up egg tattoo. The way Lisa liked it. "It was actually more painful to remove than to get them."

How fitting that comment was to Lisa's feelings toward Nana. But what made it all the more painful was that she had to remove Nana from her heart even though she never had her. "Jis won't be pleased about that," she said in a neutral voice.

Nana let out a short chuckle. "She'll scold me for being indecisive. Not every tattoo artist's favorite client. Me."

"Yeah, she worked so hard making those crayon-like doodles, complaining about your peculiar aesthetic, calling you wishy-washy, and," Lisa paused upon hearing Nana giggling and feeling a sharp pang in her chest that she almost stopped talking, suddenly missing Nana despite her being there, suddenly missing the old times when they were great. "...and still do it." She recalled how Nana was determined to get all those random tattoo pieces in just a couple of weeks as soon as she resigned from her company, saying it was part of the freedom that came with it.

We were so great at pretending we were casual best friends even if my heart skipped whenever I was with her. Even if I wanted to kiss her whenever she smiled at me. So many times it happened. So many lost chances I could never retrieve.

Have I lost them all?

Nana took the round spoon but did not dip it in the soup bowl. She stared at it absently for a moment and then dropped the tip on the table napkin, making random patterns with it. "The problem with me was... I tend to rush things without thinking. And I..." Her eyes darted momentarily at Lisa's tattoo sleeve which was finally finished after some years since she only had it done with Sinn every February. "Look where that got me. Got engaged after three months of dating, got married, then divorced a couple of weeks later."