16 & 16

15: Tahan Na

Last day na ng outing namin.

Nandito ako ngayon sa buhangin, nakaupo sa tapat ng dagat. Mamayang gabi pa alis namin dito, kaya sinusulit ko na 'yung mga natirirang oras.

'Yung iba, tulog pa. 'Yung iba naman, may hangover kaya talagang nakahilata lang sa rest house. 'Yung iba, pinili mag swimming sa pool. Ako lang 'yung nandito sa beach.

Sabay kami nagising ni Cassie kanina, pero hindi kami nag pansinan at all. As in, we didn't say a single word to each other.

Parang nag-iba agad 'yung hangin pag gising namin. 'Di na namin alam paano kumilos around each other after last night, after what we said to each other.

Kinailangan ko pa tignan 'yung side table para tignan kung andun pa rin 'yung baso from last night, para masigurado ko na hindi lang ako nag-iimagine nun.

As I watch the ocean, memories from last night come flooding in my brain like waves.

The way she reacted when I said Cam's name in Paranoia. The way she said my name when Xyza asked her a question. The way she still remembers my routine whenever I have nightmares. The way she said that the question Xyza asked her was, "Sino 'yung taong namimiss mo?"

The way she admitted that she misses me, and the way I admitted that I miss her, too.

"Jusko ka, Cassandra." I can't help but mumble to myself, putting my face in my hands. Sobrang dami kong nararamdaman these days, hindi na nakapagpahinga 'yung utak at puso ko.

In an attempt to stop thinking about the situation for a while, I decide to go on my phone and go on Facebook.

I'm just scrolling aimlessly, trying to find something to distract me from thinking more thoughts about Cassie. Masyado nang madaming inaabsorb 'yung sistema ko, parang any minute, pwede na kong sumabog.

My timeline shows the usual posts on Facebook. Posts of relatives, posts of friends on vacation, and UAAP clips and photographs.

I scroll to a volleyball fanpage, seeing that they posted a picture of Bella. I open the comments, and I'm reminded how harsh people are on this app. Grabe 'yung comments, lahat na pinuna. Kahit picture lang siya ni Bella, may comments about her MVP award, about how madami pang mas magaling sa kanya, and many more, attacking Bella on this picture of her smiling.

Grabe, to be a student-athlete also means having to swallow all these. Talagang dapat hindi magpapaapekto sa ganitong comments, kasi mental health mo lang din maaapektuhan.

Sana wala akong makitang hate tungkol sakin. Kahit today lang. I'm feeling extra sensitive today, parang'di ko kakayanin pag may nakita ako.

Instantly, nangyari na agad 'yung kinatatakutan ko. I scroll further, and I'm now watching a video replay of my injury during Game 2. I open the comments, and I know this video reached the wrong audience.

Kasi imbis na 'yung comments are showing me concern or wishing me a speedy recovery, they're comments saying about how I deserve the injury.

dasurv haha tanga ng approach eh

buti nga sayo mas sikat naman si bella

i-hanggang s87 mo na recovery mo nyahaha onti lang naman ambag mo

oa ng reaction niya di naman mukhang ganon ka sakit...

dat kay belen na lang binigay ung bola

Pucha. The more I read the comments, the more I feel my heart sinking. Ang dami ko na ngang iniisip, nakisabay pa 'to.

Usually talaga, hindi ako nagpapaapekto sa mga ganto. Natatawa pa nga ko minsan pag nagbabasa akong hate comments eh.