Her reason: Bellamy Blake

Chapter 7

I sit up clutching my chest and breathing heavily. The nightmares tonight had a special guest. Atom. I look over to see Lincoln staring at me.

"I'm fine" I say and he shakes his head. "We should get you back" I nod as I stand up. "One second" I hold up my finger.

"Is it Thursday?" I ask. Lincoln gives me a weird look.

"Never mind" I reach into my backpack pulling out a syringe and wiping the top area of my arm with a disinfectant wipe. Before putting the syringe in my arm wincing as the liquid seeps into my arms.

"What was that?" He asks. "Heart crap. Only thing keeping it beating" I say and he looks surprised. "You can't tell anyone. Please" I ask and he nods somewhat hesitant.

"If I'm going to die I don't want everyone fussing over me" I explain.

We walk out of the cave and get close to camp. "Thanks Lincoln" I say and he nods.

"Keep your heart beating ok?" He says and I nod. He disappears into the forest so I walk into camp and Miller opens the gate for me.

"Melantha! Where have you been?" Clarke runs up to me with a mad look on her face. "Taking a walk" "Jaspers awake. But thanks for leaving" She glares at me and then walks off. I clench my teeth, swallowing hard.

"Amy" I turned to see Bellamy jogging towards me.

"Don't run on my account" I joke and he gives me a look. "What?" "You've been gone all night" "Yep" he grabs my arm pulling me away from people.

"I'm worried about you" He whispers and I snort, hitting his chest. "Good one" I go to walk away but he grabs me by my bicep.

"Where were you? It's dangerous out there ""Just chilling you know me" I notice how his face is totally serious.

"I'm fine dude. Chill"

I pat his chest and walk past him going to the dropship to check on Jasper. I see him sitting up. "My savior" He says and I smile.

"Are you feeling ok?" I bend down checking his wound. "A lot better since you saved me" I give him an awkward smile. "Well you seem ok, should be able to get up and walk in a couple of days"

"Thank you Mel, truly" He smiles wide and I nod moving downstairs just standing there. What do I do now? I walk over to Murphy looking over his shoulder as he stares down at the ground.

"Whatcha looking at?" I ask and he jumps looking up at me "Nothing, I thought you were dead" "Dead?" I ask and move sitting down next to him.

"You've been gone since the Atom thing" "Forgot about that" I lie as he stares at me.

"Listen Lana I am a very good liar which means I can tell when others lie. It's ok to be messed up" I chuckle at his words. "I'm past messed up Murph"

"Me to" I look over as we share a look of understanding. We both have messed up pasts.

"So what do we do? Like just sit around" he shrugs. "I think we are supposed to be building a wall" I narrowed my eyes at him. "So why are we sitting here?" I ask. He shrugs once again.

"I was taking a break. What are you doing?" "Talking to you!" He laughs and stands up offering a hand.

"Come on, you can help me out" I follow him and we start lifting logs and carrying them. "We have to build this fast especially after what happened to Wells" I stop.

"What happened to Wells?" I ask he looks over in shock. "You don't know?" I shake my head.

"The grounders got him last night. We got to him but there was no one to fix him up-" I look down.

Wells is dead. Wells is dead because I was selfish and I had to run off and wallow in self pity. I could have saved him. "It wasn't your fault Lana" I shake my head. I can't do this.

Staring at the sky from the dropship I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. I'm going to stop. Stop taking the medicine. Hoping my heart fails. Hoping I die.

"I've been looking for you" I stay quiet. "You know you could fall off" I ignored him. He lays down next to me.

"Long day?" "Go away George" I mumble. "You should sleep down there" "No extra tents" I keep my eyes focused on counting the stars.

Breath. Just breathe Melantha.

"You can share with me" "Yeah while you sleep with girls. No thanks" He sighs. "Amy, I'm not going to do that if you're in there. Come on"

"Give it to someone else. I'm sure everyone else is jumping at that opportunity" he groans. "You know y-you annoy me sometimes. Will you please just take the extra spot "He practically seethes out.

"You know you don't seem like someone who really wants me to" my arm is roughly grabbed and he yanks me up. I yelp and wince as the burn from my arm hasn't fully healed. He immediately lets go and grabs my arm examining it.

"Shit-are you ok? I'm sorry" "Are you trying to kill me?" I snap and pull back.

"I'm sorry-I di.." He steps forward but I step glaring at him. "What is your issue? Why won't you leave me alone?" His face softens and I feel a pang of guilt in my stomach.

"I'm just trying to help" His jaw clenches.

"I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help!" I push him back.

Push them away before they can hurt you. I learned that when I was eight.

"You're wrong. Everyone needs help and I sure hope you need it someday and there will be no one to help you because you pushed them all away" He turns around and walks off. I bite my lip so hard I taste blood.

I can't get close. I'll die or they will. There's no in between.