"we accept the love we think we deserve"
Siobhan surprised herself with how relaxed she was after seeing Vivian that morning. She took her time heading home, opting for the scenic route. She wanted to appreciate the world around her and enjoy some of the simpler things in life. As soon as she walked into the house she shared with Roger, she felt caged, on edge, she was expecting the worst when he got home.
She hated when Roger would go to play golf on a Saturday. He always drank too much and she was newly aware of his loose-lipped conversations with his golfing friends. She was also made aware of some of the other things Roger would show his friends. She felt humiliated when a parent at the nursery made a quip about how her dress sense made her look like a challenge but followed it with a remark about how they all knew that wasn't the truth.
Roger would frequently bring Siobhan along to his social gatherings. She hated going. She would notice all the men around her. And she wouldn't dare put up a fight if any of them touched her. Roger would whisper praise into her ear if she let it happen. It made her feel small, like she was being reduced to nothing more than her appearance. She longed for someone to see her as more than her appearance. These events would often end in the same way, Siobhan would drink too much and completely blackout, she would be left with no memory the next morning, and the only memory she would hold from the previous night's endeavours would be the cuts on her decaying body. She chose not to think about it. It was better for her if Roger didn't know, she knew what he had let those mean old men do to her.
But it was hard, her body would ache, and she would feel pain in places she didn't understand. Roger always wanted his way with her after these encounters. She would often be in too much pain to willingly put herself through it, that didn't stop him. These memories circled her brain when she told marjorie “it's simply the world we live in.” she believed there was no way out of this, this is how she would spend the rest of her life. She had to be okay with that.
Roger would often get prescribed medications for Siobhan to “help” with the pain. Siobhan didn't know how he did that but again, chose not to ask questions in fear about coming out of line. She had grown dependent on these painkillers to get through every day. It helped a bit, it helped her numb the reality of her situation and as long as nobody found out then it couldn't be that bad.
In some twisted way, Siobhan thought this was just how Roger loved her. He would put her through these awful things and leave her coated in shades of blue and purple, but he provided. He gave her a home and always told her that he loved her, that “this was the last time," that he’d “do better, and so many more empty promises. He promised her the life that she deserved when he asked her to move in. Siobhan wondered if this was the life she deserved if this was the love that she deserved. Was this her great love?
She still loves him, despite his faults. Siobhan couldn't bring herself to hate him. She believed that he loved her and she believed his lies every time. After all, it took a while before their relationship was at this point. She would spend hours as a child praying for great love. Somebody who would look after her and treat her with respect. She believed this was Roger, but if she could have seen the state of their relationship, she would have stayed on her knees and continued praying. She should have seen the signs of his ill intent, she was constantly battling with herself. He treated her like a poisonous taste that always lingered.
He was gentle in the beginning, sweet almost. Siobhan couldn't have imagined that this was the man who single handedly destroyed his children's view on the world. She couldn't imagine that this was the reason for the cold and callous siblings who ran the nurseries. Roger, in the beginning, made Siobhan feel like she was a pretty song, he couldn't get enough of her. She felt seen and heard for the first time in her life. It was a nice kind of attention that made her feel warm and taken care of. They spent days together, talking until it was dark. He was everything to Siobhan, then and now. But these days, he would be gone throughout the day and she was expected to be there waiting for him to arrive home so that she could attend to his needs or act as some kind of stress relief. She thought this was expected of her, this was how she was raised. She was warned that as a woman her “role” was to fulfil men's needs.
It took Siobhan a while to warm up to Roger in the beginning, she was a young woman riddled with trust issues with no positive outlook on the world. But it felt like the second she reciprocated and became emotionally invested, he would pull away from her. She stayed in this cycle until they moved in together. She was elated. She had fallen for Roger and was elated to know that he wanted her to stay in his life. So she agreed, and that was when it all changed. It took Roger a month before he hit her, it left her with a dislocated shoulder that led to her being in hospital. That was the first time she lied to her doctor. She told them she fell down the stairs. She had been back since, but roger became more careful. He would calculate and plan out his abuse beforehand to ensure she wasn't left with as many noticeable injuries. It was then that siobhan realised that rusting her sparkling sun was his goal all along.
It was memories like this that loomed over Siobhan. The memories of their relationship and what led up to their current state. Memories had become weapons in Siobhan's mind. They brutally attacked her with no warning. If she didn't think about the horrors of her reality, then at least she thought she was okay. She would put up a front, or look through the world through “stained glass windows” if it meant that her situation wouldn't worsen and she could at least find a small piece of comfort in the quiet of her mind. She was fine with being alone if it meant she could keep herself together. She wanted to have a small piece of her former self to savour for any potential after. She could protect herself by being alone and closing off emotionally to those around her. But she didn't know if there was going to be an after him, she hoped there was. But she knew there was a chance that she would be dead before there could be.
