Tw: drug use.
"Knock knock" Vivian said jokingly, as she opened the office door, "I just wanted to pop in and see how you were doing" her voice was tender and full of care. It made Siobhan worry. She was worried she wouldn't be able to go through with Rogers wishes.
"You need to leave Viv" Siobhan breathed, "I can't see you anymore" she refused to meet Vivian's eyes. She knew that if she did she would fall apart. Vivian would be able to tell that she was lying.
"Why would I do that Siobhan?" Vivian was confused. Something major had happened in the last 12 hours and she had no idea.
"Siobhan" she said taking a step closer to the woman "I'm not going to hurt you, I want to make sure you're okay, which you are so obviously not" Siobhan stepped backwards, creating more of a distance. She knew what would happen if she was seen standing close to Viv.
"I don't want to see you anymore" Siobhan said through gritted teeth. She was in so much physical pain in that moment, she thought she was about to cave and burst into tears.
"And why's that?" Viv was feeling a bit fired up, "are you scared of what you'll learn from me hanging around? Would it open your eyes too much?"
"I already know what that is, trust me Vivian it's killing me too." Siobhan breathed. She actually learnt what safety felt like. What it meant to feel loved and safe within that love. She knew she wouldn't cope well if Vivian left. But it wasn't her choice, roger had already decided what was to be done.
"Baby I can help you, I'll help you even if it kills me" Vivian whispered "I can't watch you disappear, you mean too much to me" Siobhan actually felt her heart ache in this moment.
"I wouldn't mean that much to you if you could really see me. Are you stupid?" Siobhan went into attack mode. She knew this conversation needed to be over sooner. If she was too long and roger found out she would be in a world of hell. Tears were burning her eyes, a result of the conversation at hand and the lack of drugs in her system.
"I can't mean that much to you, Viv I'm a mess. I'm falling apart in front of everyone and I will continue to refuse any help. I don't want you, and I don't want your help."
Vivian felt a bit hurt by this. She knew it wasn't true though.
"Fine, if you don't want me, tell me to leave."
"You need to-"
"Nuh uh, look me in the eye and tell me. If you can do that then I'll leave."
Siobhan inhaled deeply before meeting Vivian's gaze.
"I can't" she whispered as she felt tears burn her eyes. "But you need to, I can't tell you whats going to happen if-" she cuts herself off "if the wrong people find out."
Vivian understood what she meant by this, she knew who she was scared of.
"Okay darling" she breathed "I'll leave, but you know where to find me if you need to. Siobhan, I will always listen to you sweetheart. You don't need to be scared of me." Siobhan had let the tears fall down her face.
"I'll miss you" Vivian said as she left.
"I'm sorry" she whispered to herself. It was an apology to herself and Vivian. She felt selfish for pushing Vivian away. But she needed to protect herself. She had to create this physical distance between herself and Vivian.
...
"You were a good girl today" she heard roger say as she walked through the door. It made her skin crawl. She didn't feel anything other than an intense fear of what was coming.
"Because you were so good, I'll give you a choice. You can have these, they're sleeping pills, if you take them you won't remember the rest of the night" she took the baggy off him. It had 4 tiny pills inside.
"Diazepam?" She asked. She was correct. It was enough to knock her out for the rest of the night and hopefully, allow her to forget what she did.
"Yes or-" roger said taking the bag off her "you can have nothing, and feel everything I'm about to put you through. Which would be so much more fun for me. I just thought I'd give you a choice tonight."
Concern clouded Siobhan's judgement. She knew that there was a chance for a bad reaction. If she was anyone else, someone with a lower reaction, she could potentially slip into a coma. She wished it was strong enough to kill her.
"You said you'd get me those painkillers" Siobhan answered. She knew it was dangerous to answer back. Roger loved seeing Siobhan desperate for that one thing.
"You can have them tomorrow, trust me you'll be glad you waited until the morning" roger said sinisterly.
She worried briefly, she knew she had something bad coming her way. If she couldn't get the painkillers she would take the sleeping pills. At least she wouldn't remember.
"Okay" she whispered "I'll take them" she said taking the bag, roger pushed a large glass of wine towards her. She took the pills with the wine. She remembers sitting down on the couch, waiting patiently for them to kick in. She needed the pills to distance herself from whatever was about to happen.
Then she remembers nothing.
