An: shorter chapter
Siobhan spent a lot of time thinking about what Mia said. She didn't want to still love him, she didn't want to find this weird sense of comfort in the man who had turned her life into a living hell. But something was changing.
She thought she had run off of his love. She had always thought she ran on love and affection, and she continued to think she used and accepted Rogers love in the same way.
She had wanted him for a long time, even before they had met, she'd dream about someone who would save her, and make her feel loved and special. And he did, until he didn't
Roger was a storm, and storms devastate. Everytime he touched Siobhan, or talked down to her, she held her breath and took on the brunt of the hurricane. Everynight she wished she could fix him, she hoped she could with time. But she couldn't just think about herself anymore.
She had this baby, her baby. This baby would be a reflection of her and her humanity. She saw this baby as an angel, perfect and untouched, all she had to do was protect it and keep it safe. She knew roger couldn't find out. It wouldn't be safe for her or this baby.
She couldn't love a man, who night after night broke her down. She didn't have it in her. She couldn't willingly hold her breath and face him. Mia was right.
But that was another thing, who would love her if he couldn't? She prayed, night after night, that someone would love her enough. Or made her actually feel loved. Being with roger wasn't ever because he loved her, he missed being able to control and torment his children, and Siobhan was the closest he could get to that.
Do you know who didn't make Siobhan feel like she was unlovable?
Vivian
The kindhearted nurse who never made Siobhan feel stupid or pathetic for her emotions. She could love Vivian. That was definitely on the cards. She didn't know if she could willingly accept love from Vivian though, if it ever came to that.
Love is complicated. Sometimes it's hazy and confusing. It wasn't always romantic, sometimes the best type of love wasn't romantic. The people who love you, aren't afraid to inconvenience you. They'll tell you what you need to hear. And once you hear it, you hope they'll stick around for the fallout. Siobhan hoped Mia would be there for the fallout, aswell as her darling Vivian.
She also knew she loved this baby. This baby already meant so much to her. This baby was a sign of hope, it was something good that came out of all of the shit she had been through. If she could find the courage to leave roger, she could give this baby all the love they deserved.
Was she capable of loving this baby, even if she couldn't quite love herself?
She was 6 weeks when she found out. She had noticed changes in herself since then. It was still early times so it wasn't noticeable. She knew she needed a plan before roger found out. She was 10 weeks now however.
She didn't need to love roger, not anymore. Her love for him had been held together by the strings of her vulnerability. It was her need to feel loved that made her love her. She didn't need to feel loved by anyone else though now, the love she felt inside of her was more than enough. This love wouldn't run out.
