TW: miscarriage
In terms of her symptoms, Siobhan was considered one of the luckier ones. She had minimal morning sickness, most of which subsided after 8 weeks and she was still able to continue her day to day activities with minimal issues. Her pregnancy was healthy. The baby was developing as expected
However, she hated the fact that she couldn't share the news with anyone.
She hadn't told anyone. She couldn't tell roger, and she had succeeded in her attempts to push away the people who care about her. She had been to the doctor near enough as soon as she knew, careful to go when she figured Vivian wouldn't be there.
She wished that she could trust roger to be positive about the pregnancy. But he had always told her she wasn't allowed to have his kids. He saw autumn and Reece as failures, and a bad representation of the "knight" name. Despite his thoughts on having children, he refused to use protection and purely relied on Siobhan's birth control. But birth control fails, but in his mind, Siobhan would've failed if he knew.
She wishes it wasn't his child. She wished it was someone who was capable of real love. Someone who would've loved her and this baby.
But she was so proud of this life she was bringing into the world. She was proud of the idea she was protecting them while they lived inside her.
She did everything she could to protect her baby. This baby gave her hope, this baby gave her courage. She was ready to leave roger and finally stand up for herself. She couldn't yet though, she needed a plan. She stayed quiet, obedient, in the hopes that he wouldn't lay a finger on her.
Except she couldn't protect that baby from everything.
At around the 10 week mark, her and roger had a bicker that had simply gone too far. She couldn't protect that baby when all he could feel was rage towards Siobhan. It was futile, her attempts to calm him down only furthered his anger towards her.
She had failed. She had failed to protect the one good thing in her life at the moment. He had dropped her off to the hospital, asking no further questions. All he knew was that she had a gash down the side of her face, and it needed stitches or it would leave a horrible scar.
She hated him. So fucking much. He had just ripped away her chance at a life, her hope for freedom. Gone in an instance.
Her fears were confirmed when the doctor performed the ultrasound.
Sorry miss serpent, you are in the midst of a miscarriage.
She had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. To ensure that she was safe and cared for in such a vulnerable time. Roger wouldn't even come and visit her. Why should he? It was her fault that he acted in the way he did.
He would never have to know.
Siobhan spent hours staring at the wall. She couldn't understand what she had done to deserve this. Was it her attitude? Was roger right? She felt that this was some sort of cruel punishment from god. She refused to cry, she couldn't bear it.
She didn't even register the hospital she was at until Vivian walked in. It was late at night, Siobhan's last check in was an hour ago. She was supposed to be sleeping, she should've been sleeping.
"Hey darling" Vivian said walking over, "heard you've been having a rough time today"
Siobhan couldn't answer.
"Can I sit? Ive only just finished, I would've been here hours ago otherwise"
Siobhan could only nod. She was glad to have someone here. She sat up, so she was side by side with Vivian.
"I'm sorry" Siobhan managed to make out.
"Hmm? What for darling?" Vivian picked up the blondes free hand.
Siobhan felt a safer by the touch.
"I pushed you away, I told you to leave. I didn't mean it, I don't want you to leave me" Siobhan managed, tears were starting to well in her eyes.
"I'm here now, I've got you now okay? I'm not going anywhere" Vivian whispered as she pulled Siobhan into her lap. Siobhan's demeanor instantly softened. For the first time since her visit, she was able to relax.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Vivian asked as she stroked Siobhan's shoulder. Siobhan's head was pressed against her chest.
"He didn't know" Siobhan whispered. "He didn't know I was pregnant"
"I know baby, it's okay"
"I can't do anything right" her voice was breaking at this point as the tears started to spill. "I can't even protect my own baby, how did I think I was going to get out of this situation. He would have killed me if he'd known, maybe its-" she cut herself off.
"Maybe what darling?"
"Maybe it would be better if he did. I can't get out of this Vivian, and I really want to"
"Oh my, sweet girl. Don't say that okay? It wouldn't be better if you were dead. I want you here, and so many other people do. You just don't know it yet. And you will get out of this, and you will have a beautiful family and you will make a fantastic mother. You are so so strong Siobhan, your kids, will inherit some of that strength." Siobhan was sobbing at this point. Vivian just held her, coaching her through the pain she was feeling.
"Are you in any physical pain right now baby?" Vivian asked.
"A bit of cramping, the other nurse put something in my face to numb it and I had some other painkillers to help with you know" Vivian nodded.
"I'm so proud of you darling" Vivian said pressing a kiss to her temple.
"Why though? I'm still there, I can't even protect my unborn child. There is not a single good quality about me. I am completely unlovable and I know it, he's right about all of it."
"I still love you Siobhan" Vivian said seriously.
Siobhan was completely shocked. Her brain stopped in its tracks.
He was wrong, she was lovable.
"You love me?" She said looking at Vivian, who at this point was blushing.
"Yeah, I love everything about you, your strength, your voice." She said trying to maintain composure.
She was wanted.
"I love you. Even if I can't love you right now, all I want is to love you" Siobhan whispered. "You've shown me what it means to be loved." She said pressing herself into Vivian's body.
"I just want you to feel loved baby, I want you to know that you deserve to be loved."
"How can you love me, with everything I've dealt with and deserved. I've deserved everything I've been given."
"The only things you deserve, is love, affection, to be heard. Scrap that, you deserve the world, and I'll love you regardless of what you've been through"
Siobhan's mood dropped, "even if I can't have a baby? Even if I can't be a mother?"
"Even if you can't be a mother, sweetheart"
"Tell me about your day? I need distracting. Oh my god can you tell me about Jamie?" Siobhan said changing the subject. Vivian could tell she needed to change the subject.
"Only if you try and get some sleep okay?"
