An: superrrrr rushed chapter but I wanted to get something out. I didn't know what to call this chapter so massive apologies if the title doesn't make sense.
The night that Siobhan spent curled up into Vivian was the last night she had truly slept.
She spent hours, staring up at the ceiling wondering about the possibilities that were no longer there. The life she had failed to protect, the life she had planned for this baby (and herself), gone instantly.
She liked that she didn't have to think about it too much with Vivian. Vivian let her talk, no pressure, no expectations.
No expectations.
It was nice for Siobhan to have someone who had no expectations. Vivian had no expectations for what Siobhan was going to say or do, she was willing to take it as it came, and she was willing to accept this. Vivian was the only person who made her feel like she was enough.
The dreaded "L" word lingered in the forefront of Siobhan's mind. The way Vivian said it was so... unprovoked? Siobhan didn't have to do anything to receive this love, it wasn't something that had to be earned in this circumstance. And she loved Vivian, it was twisted and confusing but she did love Vivian. It was terrifying to admit that she loved a woman, but there was nothing scarier than her current situation.
However, it caused Siobhan to wonder. The last thing that she was able to fully love was brutally taken from her. Would that happen to Vivian? She couldn't go back to playing nice for roger. She didn't want to, he had just taken away the most important thing to her. She would sit there and tolerate his abuse. She spent years wishing he would hurry up and kill her. She had given up months ago. All she wanted was to be good enough.
It was Vivian that kept her going, Vivian kept her going during those weeks in which she could not muster the energy to get out of bed. Or when she could not bring herself to fight back. She allowed her self to be a bit stupid. Dumb love and all of that. She would dream of her life if she had met Vivian first. Would they share a family by now? She also dreamed of their life if she ever got out of this situation. It was these thoughts that protected Siobhan from herself during this time. She didn't want to wait, she wanted Vivian. She would clutch her pillow at night and pretend she was back in the hospital room. Morbid right? But that was the last time she truly felt safe and taken care of.
She grew darker and darker the more time she had spent at home. She couldn't work, roger refused her this privilege when he saw the wound on her face. He didn't want people to know that he was so awful to those around him. Of course, his kids were aware of this a long time ago and so it wouldn't be hard for them to piece things together where Siobhan was concerned.
She had given up drugs and drinking the second she found out she was pregnant. Her pregnancy forced her to face the reality of her situation head on.
But she had enough. She didn't want to be in her brain anymore, she didn't want to be aware of her situation. She was so sick of Siobhan serpent. She drank herself to sleep most nights, and resorted to her drug of choice when she wanted to feel numb. It was her comfort, a pacifier of sorts. She was starting to scare herself, as the severity of her situation and coping mechanisms set in.
She had so many questions for whatever god there was. She was pulling at strings looking for answers and guidance. What was she supposed to do? The numbers for miscarriages in women her age lingered in her mind. She shouldn't have miscarried by all accounts, she couldn't sit and blame herself for this when there was only one person to blame.
Of course, he noticed something different about her. But he knew what happened. He found out in his own way. He couldn't wait to give Siobhan what was coming. But he liked to keep Siobhan on her toes, so he waited. He wanted to force the answer out of her.
"Why did you spend 3 days in the hospital?" He asked her sinisterly.
Siobhan's heart dropped, but being a quick thinker she got an answer out.
"They wanted to monitor me for any head injuries"
"Don't play fucking stupid, I know you were pregnant with my baby. I cannot believe you'd let that happen. You'll never be good enough to have my kids, stupid girl"
Her heart was basically beating out of her chest. What was she supposed to say or do?
He knew.
How did he fucking know?
