Tw: overdose and other foul language relating to that. Death.
She couldn't say or do anything. She was paralysed by her fear.
Roger went on and on, calling Siobhan a liar, accusing her of cheating when he knew rationally that she wouldn't dare.
"You are nothing without me, how could you think you'd be anything with a child hm? You cannot take care of yourself Siobhan. You're so fucking high all the time."
She had taken to trying to dissociate. It was hard, each and every word hit her like a dagger. She felt raw and vulnerable.
"You take whatever you can get, drugs, alcohol, shit I wouldn't be surprised if you were sleeping with someone else. Noone will be better for you than me Siobhan. Nobody but me would handle your attitude and your problems. You were nothing before you met me."
His words were venom. She was waiting, hoping even, that he would just hit her. Because at least then, the words would stop.
"You are nothing when you're sober, you cannot function without those fucking pills."
She knew this had become true. Everyday since her miscarriage she yearned for the fulfilment that came from the drugs. It was a way for her brain to settle, it was a way for her to leave her brain. But she wanted to laugh. She was a smart girl, she knew what was good for her and she knew what she wanted from life. This was all before she met him. Everything changed when she met him.
You made me like this.
He provided the drugs the first time, and continuously did so when she thought she needed them. He would say these horrible things about her habit one minute, and shower her in these substances the next.
"You are completely unlovable. Noone will ever love you, I can't believe you thought a baby would. My baby especially, I'm glad you lost it. It just further proves that you are undeserving of anything in this world."
Maybe he was right
She already believed she was unlovable. Or at least that love wasn't something anyone could give her. She couldn't think about anything other than his words. He loved her, it was just in a messy and complicated love. She just couldn't accept it in the recent months. She couldn't accept his love if she wasn't high. She couldn't face her thoughts without the drugs. She didn't want to face the loss of her baby without the drugs. She didn't want to love him without the drugs. She couldn't find happiness in her own mind without the pills.
She hated the person she had become.
"Do you know what's funny, Siobhan?" He started, pulling out her own thoughts. "I actually had a gift for you" he walked over to the cabinet where he pulled out a large bag. It was filled with pills. All the same type.
"I don't think you deserve them though" he said placing the bag down on the counter.
"I'm going out, I need to blow some steam. I know what's there, if I find out that you've taken any of them" Siobhan felt herself get nervous.
"You're going to wish you overdosed" and with that, he was gone.
Overdosed?
She stared at the bag. Easily there had to be over 200. The markings on the pills indicated to Siobhan that it was oxy.
Maybe she should. There was enough there to do so. What was the point? She was stuck. She had lost the first thing in a long time that she loved, and it wouldnt take Vivian long to realise that Siobhan was unlovable, and then she'd lose her too. What was the point? Her life was falling apart faster than she could find the pieces. She didn't see a point in living her current life, and he'd just given her an out.
She knew it was risky.
Beyond risky, it was downright dangerous. She could fail in her attempt and have to face everything worse than she did before. But maybe people would see that she wasn't right. Maybe it could be seen as a cry for help? Despite this she wanted an out.
She wanted to forget. And she knew that this would help her forget.
She felt the dazed effect kick in after the first pill. She got up and poured a glass of wine.
"You're going to wished you overdosed"
He wanted her dead, that was his end goal. He wouldn't be satisfied until she was in a body bag. He wouldn't be satisfied until she proved she wasn't strong enough.
She kept taking them. One after another, chasing them down with wine. Nothing but his words looming in her head.
She couldn't help but laugh at the scenario. The first time she had taken any substance was with roger. He had gotten them "prescribed" and she was stupid enough to believe him. It was pain medication and he gently put in on her tongue and held her face up as she swallowed it with water.
"Don't worry, there's a good girl, this will help"
This was the last thing she could remember.
"This will help"
This was the last thing she would believe.
She felt the effects of the pills take over her. She was immersed in the feeling, and she was just able to let go. She forgot about all of it, her parents, her religion, her relationship with roger and unfortunately Vivian. If she was able to die thinking of Vivian she would've been happy.
But that's not how it works.
