The first time is always the hardest.
The first time you speak to someone new,
The first time you have to face your fears,
Or the first time you acknowledge you have a problem.
The first night is always the hardest.
The first night away from those you love,
The first night in a new place,
Or the first night in rehab.
First loves, are always the hardest.
I mean, he was.
He tipped her world, removed its stability.
He was a hurricane, destroying her from the inside out.
Until she was nothing more than he had made her.
The second time was always easier...
...
Siobhan had made it through her first night. She didn't sleep, her mind wouldn't stop running. The feeling of safety. She couldn't help but not trust it at first.
Vivian came to visit on her second day. She wanted to know how the blonde had settled. Siobhan craved the comfort and the familiarity that came with Vivian so she was instantly delighted.
The second Siobhan saw her walk into the common room, she pulled her into a hug.
"Please don't let me go, not yet" she whispered in Vivian's ear. When it came to Siobhan, Vivian was never going to let go of the hug first. She would hold Siobhan for years if she needed it.
"Shh baby I've got you" Vivian whispered placing a light kiss on the girls forehead. Siobhan nestled in closer, as close as she could. She was tired and in recent times, she had only slept well in the presence of Vivian.
The two women talked. They were sat in the beanbag corner of the common room. It was a nice reminder of one of the first times the two had spent time together. Nestled into eachother on the beanbag in Marjorie's office.
Vivian remembers that day all too well. This was the day that she talked to Siobhan about not getting her healing wounds checked out. If you looked at the girl's head, you could still see the scar, it had faded but it was still there. She held the girl closer. It wasn't necessarily a positive memory, but that didn't matter. It was a part of their story. Their story didn't have to be perfect, because in each other's eyes, they were both perfect.
It was comforting to hold each other so close. Vivian had one hand on the girls waist, running her thumb over the soft t-shirt. She knew it was softer underneath, she didn't need to confirm that. She just wanted to hold Siobhan, if she could just hold her, she could keep her safe.
"I just want to keep you safe" Vivian whispered as she stroked the girls cheek.
Siobhan looked at Vivian with uncertainty. She couldn't help it when she felt her stomach twist when she heard these words.
"I just want to keep you safe"
He had said the same thing to her before. He would say this to her in an attempt to defend his actions towards her. It was all to "keep her safe." Eventually Siobhan learnt that maybe she didn't deserve the feeling of safety.
She looked at Vivians face. Her delicate fingers ran around the edge of Vivian's face as she searched for any signs of change. His face always changed, but Vivian's remained the same. Her expression remained full of admiration and an affectionate sort of desire.
"You mean it" she whispered. It wasn't a question, it was a confirmation to herself. She could feel safe with Vivian, it wasn't going to be used against her, there were no ulterior motives. She smiled as she pressed their foreheads together. She so desperately wanted to kiss her, but this was neither the time or place. So she leaned back slightly before pressing a kiss to Vivian's cheek, cradling the other.
Vivian had already decided, she would wait as long as Siobhan needed. For anything. If it meant keeping Siobhan in her life forever, she would wait and let her take control. She was going to be there, through the emotional turmoil and the shut downs. If it meant helping her sweet Siobhan she would be there.
"You have a beautiful smile baby, I'm glad to see it" Vivian gushed. "So what have you been up to so far, I want to hear every detail" she knew that Siobhan liked to feel heard, so this would be a good chance for that.
Siobhan manoeuvred herself so that her back was flush against Vivian, this was her favourite way to be held. The hum of Vivian's heartbeat gave Siobhan so much comfort.
They stayed like this until visitation ended.
...
She missed Vivian. So fucking much. She couldn't describe the attachment she had formed. She wasn't used to forming attachments in recent times. At the end of it attachments resulted in pain. She just wanted to hear her voice, or listen to her words. She wanted to feel her heartbeat on her back.
"Hey Siobhan," one of the nurses said coming into her room, "someone left a letter for you," she said handing it to her.
"Thank you" she responded. The nurse then left.
She stared at the envelope for a while. She couldn't work out, based on the handwriting on the front who it was from. She didn't recognise it. She delicately peeled the envelope open, keeping it perfectly in tact. It gave her the option to put the letter back if she wanted to ignore what it said.
She let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding when she started reading the letter.
My dearest Siobhan,
I hope you know that when we're apart, we are still together. We squint at the same sun and wish on the same stars. These are things we share Siobhan but I want to share so much more with you. Every star in the night sky reminds me of you. You are my star Siobhan.
We share the same sun, the same moon and the same stars. All of which, are thousands of miles away. Makes me think that the distance between us isn't all too bad. What I'm trying to say is we're closer than you may think. I hope you know, that as long as my heart beats, there will be a home for you.
I miss you eternally, sweet girl.
I sit here, writing this letter and you are all that fills my brain. You consume my thoughts, I think I might have been constructed in a lab somewhere, for you. It is a miracle to me that we have wound up in the same timeline, the way the stars must have intertwined to allow us to meet. I hope they allow us to be together. You're everything I've ever wanted.
You may not have been my first love sweetheart, and I may not have been yours. But it's the love that I am able to show you that makes all the rest of it irrelevant.
I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone in the way I know I can love you. I hope I don't. You are the person I hope I can love for the rest of my life. I promise, I will hold on to you and our love until my hands are buried in the earth.
You my angel, are so strong. You have overcome so much, and I know you have got some stuff to work through but I promise, if you'll let me. I'll be there every step of the way.
In some ways you're similar to the moon. You come out when it's dark, hiding from the light. Despite primarily living in darkness, you glow. At some point, you lost your glow, but I've seen you glow angel. And when I saw that glow, baby, I was so proud of you. I know that glow is going to intensify every night. Every day you put in the effort and fight, you're glow will grow more intense. I can't wait to see that side of you. I know that deep down, you can shine as bright as the sun.
I know you can make it out of this. I know you have the strength to do this. I know that I'm going to be proud of you, every day for the rest of our lives.
My dearest Siobhan,
My sun, my moon and my stars.
I love you.
I can't wait to see you glow.
