Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

two // tell me when it kicks in

"Are you excited to come home?"

I slowly pulled one of my neon pink headphones out of my ear as Fall Out Boy blared into the other one.

My brother, Nathan, was twisted around in the passenger seat, staring at me, waiting for a response.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked. I was never one that listened well even when I didn't have headphones in.

Nathan's facial expression was filled with concern as he studied my face. It was like they were already expecting me to have a mental breakdown any moment now. I wasn't that fragile. Besides, I was on my medication and that helped my mental state tremendously.

"Sorry," he mumbled, "I forgot that you're all into music now." He rubbed his neck uncomfortably before continuing on. "I was asking if you were excited to finally come home."

Was I excited to finally see the parents that basically gave me up or the friends that I haven't gone to school with in years? Honestly, not really.

Did I want to go back to that mental hospital? The answer for that was also, not really. Although the idea of that appealed to me more than my own household. 

I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere on this Earth. I felt like my life didn't have any meaning to it. Maybe it was because I spent five years in an insane asylum, I truthfully didn't know.

I shrugged, throwing my blonde hair over my shoulder. "Like I told my counselor the morning, I don't know how I'm feeling. I think I'm feeling confused, maybe even anxious, Nate. I haven't been home in years."

"But that doesn't matter, does it my little pipes?"

A grin appeared on my face at the mention of the familiar nickname, but I quickly covered it up as my other brother, Eli, looked at me through his side mirror.

"Hey, maybe when we get you all settled, you can show Nathan and I some of the music you like listening to?" He suggested. "I got a stereo at my apartment, how does that sound?" 

My music taste was probably the only good thing about me. I listened to almost everything besides a lot of country or rap. Alternative and rock were more my genres. However, I did have a lot of pop music downloaded to my iPod five.

"That sounds awesome, Eli," I said, quietly.

The smiles faded away from both of my brothers' faces as I twiddled with my thumbs. Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot was currently blaring through the one headphone that was still shoved in my ear canal.

"Courtney, everything's going to be fine," Nathan promised, his voice being very gentle as if I could break at any moment. "Mom and Dad are very excited for you to come home."

He was lying to me. My own brother was lying to me no doubt about it. If my parents were excited for me to actually come home, why did my brothers come to pick me up? Why did I have to discharge myself now that I finally turned eighteen? If they missed their eldest daughter so bad, why didn't they discharge me years ago?  

I was not insane.

At least, I didn't think I was.

"Are any of my old friends around still?"

My voice was quiet as I fought to keep my thoughts from spiraling downward.

Graduation was only a month ago at my old school, yet, it felt like it happened years ago. I attended the school at the mental hospital and graduated maybe a week before all my friends back home.

Was I a good student? Technically. Did I enjoy school? To a certain point. Did I ever want to go back? Absolutely not. 

Eli cleared his throat as he made a left turn. "Uh, Bekah is still around along with her boyfriend, Garrett is his name, I think. Hope's around with her fiancée, Jerald. They plan to get married in October and do you remember our neighbor, Tanner?"