Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

nine // my thoughts will stutter and my mind will race

--Tyler's P.O.V--

"You are a complete idiot, Tyler Robert Joseph!"

I sighed, looking down at my feet as Josh and I sat on the stage.

We were the only ones left in the auditorium and I was grateful for that because Josh was very upset.

"I can't believe you told Courtney to move on, Tyler, just because you have Jenna now. Do you understand what she's been through? Based on her just now joining this music class, I'm guessing that she just now got out of that mental hospital. She was there a complete two years after you left. From what you told me, she was devastated and last time I knew, so were you!"

I was devastated. The look in her eyes when she threw my skeleton hoodie at me was the thing that broke me. It was like all the life was sucked out of her body and all that was left was hollow shell. It was a look of betrayal.

"You've missed her, Tyler. Deny it, I don't care, we all know it's true."

"Everyone knows it's true, but Courtney and Jenna," I mumbled in response.

"There's a problem with that, isn't there?" Josh retorted. "Jenna doesn't even know who Courtney is. You've kept Courtney a secret from her."

I ran a hand through my dark hair, trying to calm my guilt. "I keep Courtney a secret, Josh, because Jenna wouldn't take her well. Besides, it's not like Courtney and I are going to become friends again, so why does Jenna need to know about her?"

Josh huffed in frustration. "You are missing the point! One day, you are going to slip up and say something about Courtney, and Jenna's going to be hopelessly confused. For example, what if your mother makes a comment one day about Courtney being your first girlfriend and Jenna being your second?"

"Courtney was never my girlfriend."

Josh was getting fed up with me based on the way he fidgeted beside me and the little gasps of disbelief that kept leaving his body.

"Now you are just flat out lying, Tyler," he told me, his hands balled into fists. "What would you call two people that were never separated from each other until the day they were torn apart against their wishes? What's the word for two people that find comfort in one another? Oh, I almost forgot! What's the term for two people that kissed frequently?"

I cringed at the emphasis Josh put on the word frequently.

Courtney and I were never officially an item or thing. We never decided that were dating and the words boyfriend and girlfriend never left our mouths even though it left other people. Of course, Courtney and I did kiss a few times, but those times were far and few between. They weren't as frequent as Josh was making it sound.

Courtney was not good with touch and had trouble grasping the subject of affection. That's just how her mind was. She didn't understand her feelings towards the opposite sex very well and she always felt confused around me.

We were the type of friends where we could tell each other everything and that's exactly what we did. Courtney would explain to me that every time we were together, she felt something. She explained it as wanting to be as close to me as possible and the thought of me touching her didn't bother her in the slightest. Those feelings were abnormal to her and she didn't understand why she felt that way towards me and only me.

"Josh, stop it," I begged. "I really don't know what Courtney and I were. She didn't understand the concept of hormones, so she really didn't understand her feelings for me."

Josh studied my face. He seemed to be puzzled. "So you are basically telling me that she had no idea what sex was or how it worked?"

I cringed once again. "I figured you would understand it enough where I didn't have to fully explain it. I hate the word, but yes, Josh, she had no idea what sex was."