Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

blurryface // entry

MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, BUT FOR ONLY A FEW SENTENCES

July 1st, 2013

I've grown sick and tired of writing in this journal. I have grown tired of this place. I want to go home.

Sadly, that's not possible.

I feel like I've been falling into a downward spiral. No longer do I want to get out of bed. I don't even have the motivation to shower on a regular basis.

I think Tyler is starting to notice the change in me and that's part of the reason why I want him to stay away from me. I didn't want him to start to care about me because I didn't really know how long I would be around or how long my sanity would be in check. 

Watching someone go crazy, especially someone you care about, is utter torture. Believe me, I know. I feel my siblings' torture every time they come to visit me  My mother even radiates pain because every visit they make here confirms that I wasn't really improving.

I get one certain question from Mr. Baker a lot. "Do you think of suicide often?"

Quite often actually. The topic was interesting to me. To think about the fact that some people hated their life so much that they actually thought about leaving this world behind.

Have I actually thought about taking my own life? Not as often as you might think. But I want to move on. I do not want to feel this journal entry up with sadness.

The partner project with Tyler is going great, better than I would have thought originally. He's almost done with his side of the poster board, which is great. I'm learning a lot about him as a person.

We have to list a hidden talent if we have any and Tyler's actually surprised to me. He liked to sing and play the ukulele. I've never heard of anybody playing the ukulele before.

I actually asked him to play me a song at some point. He looked quite shocked that I had spoken to him at all, but he said he knew the perfect song to play.

He then also found it necessary to ask me what my hidden talent was. I didn't respond back when he asked because at the time, I couldn't think of one, but now I knew exactly what to say to that question.

I can't wait until next week.

Courtney Akehurst, entry number who cares of Blurryface.

Written on July 1st, 2013 at 8:45 pm in blue pen.