Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

twelve // i was your amber, but now she's your shade of gold

--Courtney's P.O.V--

Starbucks was very overrated and I honestly didn't understand the hype. It was a coffee place, like a really over expensive coffee place. Why wouldn't someone just go to a regular coffee place?

Besides, I wasn't allowed to have coffee. Coffee never sat well with me to begin with, but if you add in all the medications I have to take, coffee began to become borderline dangerous to my body.

I pulled my fairy hair back up into a high ponytail before leaving the bathroom. I still couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness that came from my nightmare.

Night terrors were something I was used to, but they usually involved people I cared about taking part in troubling situations. Last night was the first time I was the one in trouble, and it wasn't like someone was trying to harm me. I was trying to harm myself.

I didn't want to die. Suicide was something I thought about a lot, but I was never going to attempt again. Too many people cared about me. I wasn't going to cause them misery.

But last night was something completely different. It was like I was trying to kill myself because Tyler didn't want me. I was feeling hopeless in that nightmare and it was horrible because the hopeless feeling was something that I haven't felt in a long while. I didn't miss it at all.

"Courtney, honey, have you taken your medicine the morning?" My mother called from the kitchen.

I sighed, heavily, walking through my living room and dining room to finally appear in my kitchen. I was shocked to see both Ginger and Tanner sitting at the counter, breakfast in front of them.

"Good morning, smiles!" Tanner yelled, swallowing his mouthful of orange juice.

My head cocked to the left, puzzlement on my face. "Smiles?"

"Smiles is your new nickname because you used to be all smiley, but now you aren't. Hopefully, if I start calling you smiles, the original smile will return," Tanner explained.

Desperately, I tried to keep the smile that was threatening to form on my lips hidden, but of course, I was very unsuccessful.

"There it is!" Tanner grinned.

My mom turned around to face me. Her eyes widened in shock as she took in my appearance. "Your hair looks beautiful that way, Courtney! And didn't your dad buy you the shirt you are wearing?"

I looked down at my black Rolling Stone tanktop and white jeans. "Yeah, he did the last time he went to see them in concert."

She seemed happy that I was actually acting like a normal eighteen year old. She seemed happy that I was actually acting like her daughter.

I wanted to pull myself together again. I wanted to not be labeled crazy anymore. The first step was too actually put effort into my appearance.

If I acted like I was okay long enough, maybe I would eventually be.

"That would make him very happy," my mom smiled, tears glossing her eyes. She turned away from me before they began to fall.

I guess I never realized how much my mother actually missed my father.

I seated myself in between my sister and Tanner, my stomach growling.

"You want the rest of my food?" Ginger offered. "I plan to get something at Starbucks when we go."

I nodded, my hands wrapping around the bowl in front of her, pulling it towards me. Tanner was already on his third serving of cereal.

"So did you randomly decide to show up at my house this morning?" I asked him. "I would think you would want a break from me based on the fact you had to drive me home in the middle of the night."