I Only Know How To Love

1: Cashmere

Pain. It's all about the pain. Maybe society has finally gone crazy. Pain. It's the only thing in my mind. Maybe people will finally be happy if I'm gone, or they just might not notice. Pain. It's an echo in my brain and it just doesn't want to shut up. Pain. It never ends. One day it's there, the next it's not. But it comes back. How do I stop it? Is there even a way to stop it? I try talking to my friends, but they don't say anything, even Jack, who I've known for only 3 months. He stops me, and tells me he's busy. He can't take on anything. Pain. It's always there. Even at the dance showcase. Pain. I just need someone to talk to. I can't go to Alex; we stopped texting the other day because we thought it would be best. I need someone to be there for me. Snow is barely at school and is only a year older than me. Pain. I need to get it out. Maybe if I throw it out of me. I don't know how to tell my parents, I'm afraid of judgment. I know they love me, but I just want the pain to go away. I just want the pain to go away.

As I get ready for the funeral, I think back to when she was alive. My grandmother had passed away, and today was the funeral. Her husband had passed away when I was young, and so my dad was now an orphan along with his brother and sister. Sometimes when you think about people and their passing, you think too much. Pain. Even as they lay her into the ground in her casket it's still there. What can I do to get away from it? I think about death basically every day.

I'm at least seeing a therapist. My parents insisted that I go see her after the funeral, because they know that it would bother me the most. I wish no one passed away, but then we would all be vampires and that's just creepy. We headed right after the procession. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't even want to be there at all.

Pain. Why can't I just escape it? It's always there and it's never leaving me alone. Once I got into my therapist's office, I told her what was bothering me.

"It's my life. Everything just feels like shit. Jack, someone who used to be a friend, had learned that I had a crush on his friend Jason, and he had assumed that he would be next. It hurt, because he doesn't really know me well enough to claim that. Ever since then, I learned that he hates me and I've been trying not to spiral down into suicidal thoughts. I just don't know how much longer I can fight this." I told her. "Look, have you ever tried to find the good in life?" She asked, seeing if that could work. "I've tried, and it's not fucking there! I've done what I can, and it's just not working. Nothing is working for me." I finally told her.

The tears were now coming. One tear after another, falling onto my lap, they were not stopping. "Maybe try making a friend?" She asked. "I already have a friend, but we're not texting. But there was one incident where I pulled a prank on someone who doesn't like me." I told her. "Try apologizing to the friend. Who knows what's going to happen." She told me before my mother came into the room to pick me up. She stayed back and talked to the therapist for a minute before heading out to the car.

If you must know, my parents' names are Jasmine and James Oberon. They had met when they were in high school, and apparently they have quite the history with Jack's father. They took me home, along with piles of clothing and jewelry that my grandmother had. School is happening tomorrow. I didn't want to go, but I had to. If no one cares about me, then it's better that I just don't show my face at all.

James had dropped me off in the morning in front of my school, and I headed to my locker. Heading in, I had seen the others from dance class in the cafeteria. Alexa, Allison, and Anika with Jack. They were all staring at me. Alexa had come up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "Cashmere?" She asked. "What is it?" I asked rather harshly. "Is it true about you and Jack?" She asked. "What about Jack and I?" I asked, looking back at him, with him looking mad. "He told me and the others about what happened the other day. He said that you guys had sex." She told me before I went up to him and punched him in the balls. I ran to the bathroom crying, wishing that Alex were there.