Green With Envy || Yoonmin

25; "I feel empty inside"

Writing song is always the hardest part in a new project. Yoongi used to write about his personal experiences back at high school and college. That's why his last album was all about the same thing; self-love. He has learned a lot about self-confidence, appreciation, value, etc. He wanted to write about these problems in hopes to help people like, well, Jimin. Even if it has been six years since he has last seen him, he still thinks about him every day, and how their future would've looked like if he had just tried harder. It's crazy how he still blames himself till this moment. 

That day, six years ago, when Taehyung went to the hospital and Jungkook ordered the name to be a secret, if Yoongi had just searched for them a little harder, maybe Jimin would've still been near and in touch. He never stops wondering what Jimin is up to. Is he following his dream? Is he okay without Taehyung now? Is Jungkook enough for him? Guilt has been eating Yoongi alive for all these years. He had promised Taehyung to take care of Jimin when he's gone, and yet he broke his promise without even trying. How's Jimin? Is he following his career? Did he drop out of college like Yoongi? He really hopes not, because if that's the case, he will blame himself for it. You can probably tell how big of a part Jimin was in Yoongi's life. 

That said, Yoongi wrote all about it. his last few albums were basically all the feelings and emotions he felt during those days, and all the pressure and guilt he feels these days. so right now, there's nothing really to write lyrics about. Jimin was all Yoongi could think of whenever he wrote songs. What is he going to write about now?

"You done?" Namjoon asks with a sheepish smile on his face, peaking his head through Yoongi's door. "I said leave me alone for a while to try and write, not check on me every five minutes." Yoongi sighs, rubbing his forehead as he leans back in his chair. "I can't think of anything, Joon.  When did it become this hard?" 

Namjoon smiles and steps into the room, closing the door behind him and sitting on the couch across from Yoongi's desk and equipment. "You're the best music genius I know, trust me, you have it in you. Just express your feelings like you used to do,"

"Thats the thing! I don't feel anything. There's nothing to express. I feel empty inside, Nam. I have no thoughts, no motivation, no nothing." Yoongi groans, feeling very heavy and dizzy. silence follows for a few minutes, and Yoongi decides to break it by saying what he has been meaning to say for a while now. "Nam," he starts, making Namjoon look up at him. "I don't think I'm ready for releasing a new album," he expects Namjoon to react, yell, shout, even scream, but the latter just stares at him before the corners of his lips curl slightly upwards. "Your last album was released two years ago. Your fans have been waiting for a new one for a long time now. But if you need more time, I'll release a statement saying you'll start working on the album in a few months. After all, your mental health-"

"No," Yoongi interrupts. "Not a few months. I need years, hell, maybe even never. Nam, I'm losing passion with music, and I don't think it will be coming any time soon. I think ending this is better than releasing shit music," this is it. Yoongi has been building the courage to say this for a very long time. It's as nerve-wracking as he imagined, but he had to say it, no matter how Namjoon is going to react.

"What?" The younger stands up, his face morphing into confusion. Not anger, which makes Yoongi the slightest bit relieved. "You're not serious, are you? Yoongi, you've worked your entire life for this! You dropped everything, including college, just to have time to write and produce and- and rap! You can't just stop, Yoongi. There's nothing such as 'end'. Thats just straight bullshit."

"But it's true, Nam. I'm done with this. I don't enjoy doing this anymore. I don't have anything to write about anymore. My life is boring." Every second that passes is a second closer to an outburst from Namjoon. And Yoongi hates how calm he is right now. Namjoon sighs. "What you're experiencing is called a writer's block. It's fine, its normal. It happens to all artists. But do you see any of them quitting? No, they don't. because they've worked their whole life for this, and just because they can't think of anything to write, doesn't mean that it's the end. People aren't going to be inspired and passionate all the time, specifically artists. They have their bad days, and they recover, stronger than ever. And you're going to do it too, because that's what makes you amazing. This is your specialty, and you will find your way back and rediscover your own passion and motives. That's why fans admire their artists so much,"

Namjoon's words aren't harsh, they're the exact opposite, actually. He's being very genuine and soft with yoongi, and the latter really appreciates that. But he's already made up his mind, months ago even. He didn't think this would be such a long talk. With a sigh, he stands up to be on the same eye level as Namjoon, or at least as close as possible given their height difference. "You just don't understand, do you? Do you know how hard it is to create words that actually make sense out of nothing? How hard it is to create a beat from thin air? And come up with a flow and adlibs that magically work together with the rest? I'm going to say it again, I don't have anything to write about!" His voice raises. Upon noticing, he takes a deep breath and continues, "Nam, I've already made up my mind, and you're not going to change it. I don't care that you're my manager, you have no choice but to let me do whatever I want. You can't force me into making music," he can see Namjoon getting angrier and angrier by each word. By the time he's done, he's already fuming, blood vessels already throbbing at his neck.

"Fucking hell, Yoongi!" Namjoon yells. "What is it suddenly? Huh?! Where did all your inspiration go?! What's changed? You've been doing this for four years! Four damn years, Yoongi! Where did it all go?! Two full albums, a few mini ones, and a bunch of singles! You're just going to throw all that away?! What's gotten into you? You're not the same Yoongi that started doing music. Where's all your motivation?!" Yoongi doesn't answer, and Namjoon can read his like an open book. His eyes betray him. Namjoon scoffs. "Oh, I see. It's that damn guy, isn't it? What was his name? Jimin? Is he the one that fucked you up like that?" Namjoon flinches, then his eyes widen, looking at Yoongi and then his hand that's raised in a fist. "Don't you dare talk about Jimin like that," they both know that Yoongi would never hit Namjoon and this was nothing more than a small threat.

"C'mon now. isn't he the boy you kept complaining about to Hoseok back at high school? Do you think he cares about you this much? Does he deserve all of this? Does he even remember you, Yoongi?" Namjoon laughs humorlessly. "You can't possibly be still thinking about him. That guy was nothing but a dick to you! Yet, you're giving up your whole entire music career because of what? You can't write anything else about him?" 

Yoongi drops his head down in shame. Namjoon brought something important to his attention; does Jimin even still remember him? When he doesn't answer, Namjoon continues. "You're childish Yoongi." Yoongi snaps his head back up, glaring at him. "You're childish and you're fucking stupid for making Jimin your entire life," the words sting like a bee. The last time Yoongi remembers letting himself get hurt by someone's words like this was six years ago when he was standing similarly in front of Jimin as he yelled at him a bunch of insults.

Maybe Yoongi is making Jimin his whole life.

"You're not the same Namjoon I knew back at high school,"

"Yeah, I fucking grew up! I'm not the same sensitive loser I was once. I know where I stand. I know how to differentiate between reality and delusion. I know how to differentiate between people who absolutely hate me and people who don't. I fucking know how to separate my feelings and my job!"

Yoongi blinks his tears away, earning a scoff from the younger. "Fuck you, Namjoon. You can't force me into making music," Yoongi repeats his words, but his voice says otherwise. His voice is weak and unsure, and his body feels heavy and helpless.

"No, Yoongi. Fuck you, your mint hair and your stupid obsession with that useless insecure boy. I can force you to make music, and I will. Watch me,"