chasing girl wonder

many a slip between the cup and the lip

A/N: A fucking world tour suddenly... not the kind of plot twist I needed this early. Oh well... so 8 more chapters. it has been a slow race to finish line and this fic turns one year in May. guuuhhhhh

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'The matter with human beans' normally vibrant air, especially before the clock struck nine in the morning, felt distinctly different for the last three days. And that Thursday morning, Roseanne found herself staring out the picture window of her office, thinking about Lisa, missing her a lot, waiting and hoping she would suddenly show up, ready to talk, kiss, and make up. She hardly noticed how much time had passed, but as if by muscle memory, she knew the exact time to leave her office when Lisa might arrive, just like their daily routine.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee and sweet, buttery pastries could not mask the bitter angst in her gut. The buzz of the morning rush failed to turn down the rambling in her head that what she broke in Lisa's heart was beyond reparable. Every second ticked, and Lisa was getting farther and farther from her before she could even stop it.

It became an arduous task, going on performing to smile and greet the customers like nothing was wrong. She sighed, feeling utterly helpless for getting stuck inside the grave she dug for herself, unable to get out and run to her love before it was gone. Joining her crew behind the coffee bar, her body parts went on autopilot—checking if the shots were run through each portafilter of the espresso machine, listening for that big, sharp burrs, tightening the grind as needed, grabbing the right cups for a latte, a flat white, and a cappuccino, and keeping an eye out to make sure the cake display chiller was full of the daily delights. It was good to keep them all busy instead of longing to hug Lisa again, hold her close, and give her kisses until what she broke could be tied back together again.

Yet, her mind kept going back to the last conversation with Lisa and how the heavy sky fell on her when Lisa asked for space—something she never imagined happening early on in their relationship, something she never expected Lisa would ask, but it was perhaps the sign that what she did was beyond Lisa's pain meter. Pausing from tamping the coffee grounds into the portafilter, she stared at it blankly as she realized space could only mean one thing: delaying the inevitable break up. The worst part was how her fears from her past relationship had gotten so mixed up with her current relationship that she thought it would be different—well, herself—to be better at being someone's girlfriend. Someone with deep, inner child wounds.

She sighed, feeling utterly helpless when there was a constant battle in her head—one voice was telling her Suzy was right. She could never dictate what was best for her partner, and "If you truly love me," Suzy told her so many times, "you'll accept me for who I am." The other was Lisa's voice, keeping her centered on herself, "You can be anything. And I will love you the same, or more."

That was the answer she needed to hear. That should not have been a tough choice to make. That love was not supposed to be shunned and shut up. Her heart needed that. But what if Lisa had decided her love was not going to be the same anymore because of her one stupid slip at letting her fears take over instead of what she and Lisa had? Where did that girl go—that girl who was determined to fight for Lisa? To defend her? To stand up for her and stay in her corner?

But above those two voices was Alice's, who made her stay the night at her and Jason's apartment to escape Clare's inquisitions—and possibly Mason's questioning glances, too—bidding her good night with a sweet, gentle reminder that she should just choke all the anxiety and pride up and take humble accountability for her mistake and to give herself a pat on the chest because,

"You did what you thought was for the best. And that's the best you could do at the time—pressure and all," Alice said, smiling at her with an understanding look while tucking her to bed in the guest room. "But it doesn't discount the fact that you love Lisa, however stupid you feel right now."