chasing girl wonder

so much for so much

A/N: I'm sorry it took a month to update. No bones were broken—nothing exploded—nothing bled. Moving to a new apartment is never easy I was physically drained lol. The holidays and work kept me super tired and busy... but here we go—back to regular programming! And the girls are all releasing their albums soon, so let's go!

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The air in the car crackled with unease as Lisa drove at the maximum speed allowed on the highway to go back home. "What does she want now?" she muttered, the question more for herself than Roseanne. The words were pushed out of her lips by the foreboding thought of getting Sangmoon taken away from her, mixed with resentment she could not project onto anyone—be it Nichkhun, her dad, or even Young-ae for allowing Suzy to get what she wanted. Again. Especially when the situation was so delicate with the painful truth she did not seem to empathize with—Young-ae being sick. It's so unfair, she thought to herself, gripping the steering wheel tightly with both hands.

Her mind was the most chaotic metro in the universe, unable to decide which train of thought to take, and at which stop she should exit. The trepidation building in her gut was taking over her sensitive heart and fogging her brain, spelling out very bad thoughts from when she was still a child, so lost, so alone, like,

People naturally abandon me because I'm selfish. I just... I can't empathize with anybody because I—I was meant to just be alone—

It was breaking her brittle heart that had not known what familial love was supposed to look like. That void would never get filled, no matter how much she tried to patch those wounds up with temporary joy.

Ae was right. I mess things up—I'm a problem child and no one trusts me to be responsible. Who am I even kidding? Why did I think too highly of myself? That I'm capable of being a good sister—

Her existence in her family was cosmically insignificant, like the way the ocean never remembered every drop. Where she placed her faith was only in illusions. The bridge she tried to build—Did I even build one?—to get closer to her family was built on whispers that would crumble beneath the weight of a single footfall.

"You could've saved Amara because that's what a big sister would have done!" Nick wasn't a liar. What should a big sister do in this situation? No. Why try?

Roseanne reached out and placed a comforting hand on Lisa's leg. "Hey..." Her eyes were fixed on Lisa's side profile, determined to offer comfort through small touches for those were the only things she could do at the moment.

That hand... and Lisa calmed a little, expelling a cold breath.

That warmth... and Lisa released one hand from the steering wheel.

That love... and Lisa interlaced her fingers with Roseanne's.

There it was—the massive, underlying fear that Suzy might take away the only person that made her life taste a little less bitter and so much sweeter.