You Deserve Better

⇒ CHAPTER FORTY FOUR

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

𝙴𝙳𝙴𝙽
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"And i suppose the last thing to sort out would be the funeral invitations." Leon Peterson, the funeral director from the church.

He sits across from me on my baba's couch. I can still imagine him there smiling at me while giving me those harsh pieces of advice. I would hate them in the moment, maybe even challenge him on them but in the end it always made sense.

Now leon sits there legs crossed in his professional black suit, with a notebook balancing on his knee and a pen in between his fingers,

He looks up at me with an expectant expression, i was so caught up in picturing my baba sitting there that i forgot what he asked.

I have been forgetting a lot of things lately, except the things i wish never happened. Funny how that works huh?

"Ms Anderson?" I blink myself back to reality, my fingers intertwined in each other. I am shrunk into the couch trying with everything in me not to cry. It hurts.

It hurts so much.

"Sorry... can you repeat that?" I cough and attempt to straighten myself out. He raises his brow in concern uncrossing his legs and closing the notebook.

"Perhaps we should revisit this planning at a later time?" He says with a pursed smile. He is worried and he pities me. I can see it all over his face, i have become a pity to everyone.

"No please, I'm fine really-" im not fine.

"You can continue asking your questions, it's better we get it all done and out of the way now than having to do it later dont you think?" I fake a smile so that he stays, because the truth is... i hate being alone in this house.

It has my baba's markings and memories all over it, from his pictures to his words that whisper all around the house. Its all too much but my dorm is being renovated and the only other place that i felt at home...

I definitely wont be welcomed back to.

"Okay... well i was speaking about family. Do you have a general number for how many people you may want to invite to the funeral?" He asks trying to phrase it as lightly as he possibly can, but it still stings,

"Um... well baba was a private man. He didn't really know too many people down here but his best friend, serenity's father. The rest of his people are in nigeria." It just now dawned on me how lonely my baba must have been

"And you're family?" He repeats noticing that i am purposely ignoring that question, family is a tough subject. It always has been, because my only family has always been baba.

"My mother? Is that what you're trying to get at?" He shuts his lips tight but shrugs his shoulders as if to say yes,

"We don't really... we weren't close. They weren't close. I dont even think she knows that he passed yet." My mind clouds up again, she doesn't know. She definitely doesn't know, because if she did im sure i would have gotten some type of call from a random number by now cursing me out and telling me how it's my fault.

She doesn't know. And maybe it's better like this.

Its pure silence in the room. He stands to his feet holding his notebook at his hip like it were a briefcase and steps to me with a hand on my shoulder,