You Deserve Better

⇒ CHAPTER FORTY NINE

𝙴𝙳𝙴𝙽
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JEREMIAH 16:5
For thus says the Lord: Do not enter the house of mourning, or go to lament or grieve for them, for I have taken away my peace from this people, my steadfast love and mercy, declares the Lord.

"I know this feels like the world is ending, but you will make it through." Ace rubs a hand across my shoulder trying to comfort me but his words make no difference. I have been planning this day with the church and its members for as long as i can remember and now it's finally here and somehow im still not ready.

Im sat on an isolated chair in the middle of the tiny room, it's almost as if they were trying to make me feel worse because i am filled with all types of claustrophobia as i crouch in the chair.

"And even if you feel like you can't make it through, we are here for you especially in those times." Serenity leans over my body squeezing her arms around both of my sides so that she is all i feel. I haven't said a word all day. i don't see that there is any word worth saying.

My body has become so used to wearing the same hoodie for days that i forgot what it was like to wear anything else. There was an itch that traveled through my skin when i changed into this black turtle neck shirt. The cotton bubbles brushing against my skin made me cringe putting it on.

One thing i have learned about grief, Everything you once knew becomes a stranger to you.

All of the things that once gave you comfort, turn into the sources of your anxiety. You become scared to do anything anymore, your life feels like it's not your own because of the main people in it have gone and you realise how much you actually relied on them in the end.

I jump at the feeling of fingers in my hair, there's nothing but threatening space around all of us in the low lit room, it is a catholic church so i don't expect there to be much lights and glamour in the back rooms, maybe that's the reason i picked it at all. it's simple. Quick.

"Sorry, but it's time for a comb eden. It's been months since the last." I don't have enough strength to fight off her words so i let her put the comb through my tangled hair. The last time i did anything with it my hairdresser added a relaxer that ruined my hair journey all together but my roots have already started growing back to their kinky texture and it's evident when she tries to comb through it but the brush refuses to go through.

She picks up a spray bottle from her bag and squirts softener in my hair, i sit back and let it all happen. My face is as blank as my mind, until i feel the spikey tips of a brush touch my scalp. I shrink into the chair and she pulls back,

It doesn't take a minute before ace has my hand in his grip. I cannot describe how much i hate all of this, i feel so weak, so dependant. I spend every minute thinking about how far i have fallen, how quickly life has changed... all the moments i took for granted.

I would give anything to be that eden again.

I shut my eyes as i feel the brush run through my scalp, it's rough but i need this, i can feel my hair come out in thin strands but i don't care. I just want to get this all over with, i want this whole thing to be over with.

ꕥ

The church feels heavier than I ever imagined it could. Dim light flickers from the candles at the altar, and the stained glass windows cast patches of blue, red, and green across the stone floor. But even the beauty of that light is lost on me. It can't pierce through the weight I'm carrying.

Pastor Davis stands quietly near the altar, his wife Aaliyah close by, Joel, Serenity and Zephaniah sit close together in the pews.

Their faces are etched with sadness, as if they can't fathom what's happening to me. I feel their eyes on me, but when I look up, no one can meet my gaze.