You Deserve Better

⇒ CHAPTER FIFTY

𝐀𝐂𝐄

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1 JOHN 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I sit across from Zephaniah, arms crossed, the sound of worship humming through the walls. The room is too quiet compared to the music outside.

He hasn't said a word since we sat down, his eyes are fixed on the ground telling me he's fighting something deeper than I can figure out by just looking at him.

I lean forward, my voice cutting through the silence.
"We're already missing the service , brother... What's goin' on?"

"I don't know, man. I just- I feel like time is running out for me, you know, with my past and all."

I watch him, his words hanging in the air like a weight he can't shake. He doesn't have to spell it out-I know exactly what he's talkin' about.

"You been feelin' that way for a while now... what makes today any different?"

"I have been thinking about taking that big step in giving my life to Christ, and I mean for real this time-stopping the smoking, the cursing, all of the sin! But I just can't seem to outrun this one thing that keeps haunting me..."

I nod, letting his words settle. It's a big deal, what he's saying, but I can tell the weight of his past is dragging him down,

"You're talkin' about the murders." I say it bluntly, no point in dancing around it. He knows I know.

"You think God's gonna look past everything else, but not that?"

"I mean, come on, man. The people I killed were no less of His children than I am. They were fathers, they were sons; they were people, Ace. Real-life people. But I treated them like shooting targets." I watch him slam his head against the back of the couch, stretching an arm out across its head in frustration.

I see the pain in his eyes, the frustration spilling over. He's always been a man of few words, but when he does speak, it cuts deep. I know he's been haunted by those memories, and it's tearing him apart.

"Z, you need to stop this, alright? I can only imagine what this type of thing feels like for you, but being a murderer is not your identity. I know you. I know that even though that's what you have done, that's not who you are."

"You just don't understand. There is so much more to worry about in this situation than just me getting caught." He makes finger quotes. "There's my fami-"

He stops himself, the weight of that word hanging in the air. I've watched him get closer to Joel and Stephanie over the past few months. From what I've seen, they've treated him more like a son than his actual parents.

But there's something about the weight of that word that holds him down. I watch him go through this internal battle in silence, knowing that there's nothing I can say to take him out of it.

"If Joel and Stephanie find out they've been keeping a murderer in their house for all of these months-that they've been loving a murderer, praying with a murderer-"

"Z, I can't pretend to know what it's like for you, but you gotta think about this." I say, my voice low and firm. "They love you for who you are now, not the man you were. I've seen how you are with them . You've built something real. If you push them away because of your past, you're choosing to let that define you instead of letting them see the man you've become."