You Deserve Better

⇒ CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT

Zephaniah

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1 TIMOTHY 1:7

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

It's not out of the ordinary for us to gather together in the prayer closet to do bible study like we are now. Sitting on the floor across from each other with our bibles between our crossed knees.

But that daunting feeling of being caught by the imaginary person in my mind follows me like a leech unwilling to let me go. I admit i have made a bountiful amount of enemies, i am a killer a murderer no better than saul but i thought i was causing justice when i was doing it.

I hate how easy it was for me to draw switch blades from my pocket to someones heart, how much easier it was to shoot them from a distance. I should have felt something more than i did in the moment, those were people's children for goodness sake, those were real lifes that i will have to answer to God for.

My head bows lower in shame and guilt. This is the one thing that pushes me away from prayer, the silence forces me to be with myself, the closed eyes that are meant to honour God only make me envision every single scene again.

I have been having nightmares of being arrested more often that usual, i can only pray to God that they aren't prophetic but if they are i won't be surprised. I fear opening the door every time it rings, i have been avoiding it like a plague because every time i look at it i imagine guards on the other side holding hand cuffs and guns at their side, the only difference is this time it would be me on the other end of the weapon.

It has become more of a fear to me than anything else, because as much as i would like it im sure a judge won't take the fact that i have repented and sought the Christ as a stable ground to let me go. So i have been staying inside, hiding in this house with people that i don't deserve.

Every day i pray that they don't find out the depth of my sin, i can't afford to be rejected by anyone else especially when i have become this attached to them. My heart begin to hurt. A pain that leads to my stomach and soon enough i am starting to feel like i could vomit in a second.

"In Jesus name we have prayed." Joel concludes, im sure he sensed my discomfort and ended the prayer early because when he starts a prayer it normally doesn't end for an hour or so.

"Zephaniah?" I jump at the sound of my name, i breathe in gulps of air as if i havent taken a breath for the past 30 minutes. I hate how easily i sweat, it only gives away my guilt that much more.

"Amen." I say in a whisper swiping my hand over my waves and scooting myself back on the floor so there is a distance between us.

"Talk to me boy, you look a breath away from death." He moves closer to me putting a hand on my shoulder, the moment it connects i see a brief vision of a cop's hand where his is, pushing me to the floor until i am slammed onto the concrete as he cuffs me with a knee on my back.

I groan and shake his hand off of me, rushing to my feet. I start my pace around the room the second my feet raise.

"So that's it. You're just going to keep it in and let it ruin you, huh? Come on now talk to me my boy." His voice is calm as he gets to his feet slowly as if there isn't a care in his mind. I burn with envy, wondering what life would be like in his shoes not having to worry about anything of this scale.