I Kinda Hope They Catch Us - Katya Zamo

get gone

Boston- Massachusetts

You had been secretly wishing that by the time you got to the end of this leg, things would improve and you wouldn't feel like you had to leave.

But they didn't.

In fact, you felt worse. Two months on the road and you were at your lowest. You thought the worst was behind you when you left Sarah, and now it seems like things weren't that bad then because you had a source of support by your side... until you didn't.

And it's not like you've been ignoring each other, you've had a few talks but they're technical more than anything else. It's always "hey, still looking for a job for you" or "have you made up your mind yet?" an occasional "are you okay?" but that's it.

You both tried to set boundaries in the hopes that once things were calmer, you'd eventually come back to the way you were before, but you didn't. Instead, you grew even more apart. You became a recluse and so did he, barely leaving your hotel rooms, entertaining yourselves with every possible movie, series... anything that would keep you busy.

Today you wake up alone, as usual now. And though you try not to think about it, you know you miss waking up by his side. You miss the touching, the sex, but above all, you miss the company. Now you slept in a cold bed, in an empty hotel room, feeling lonely like never before. But through all- and though you didn't keep the same physical displays of affection as before, some little things that happened could never be ignored by you.

Every city you went, you found yourself in the nicest room the hotels could provide, every Saturday night after the show you'd find a bottle of your favorite wine in front of your door and once in LA when he overheard you complaining about cramps, he sent you a basket with every kind of chocolate there is, followed by a note that you kept beside your bed on the nightstand, alongside a polaroid of you two.

I hope you feel better soon...

With love, B

And every time you received something, you would thank him with a note, writing kind words on a piece of paper as an attempt to assure him that you do appreciate him. But that was it. You can't remember the last time you laughed with him, everything is so serious now, no one wants to overstep any boundaries and make things worse.

But the truth is that you're miserable without Brian, and that is clear now. And seeing him almost every day is harder than not having him at all. It's a test of your patience and mental stability to know that he's laying in bed in the room just across from you and you are not doing anything about that. Because as much as it sucks not being able to be around him like before, you know that if you had kept sleeping together, the chances of things going wrong again were pretty high- and you can't handle that again.

So now it was a matter of either surviving this tour and saying goodbye to Brian when everything was done as you know your relationship can only further deteriorate if you do that, or you leave the tour, take those few months by yourself back home to get back on your feet and then maybe finally start building something healthy with Brian.

You had tortured yourself over those two months contemplating just what the fuck you should do.

And deep down you probably always knew what was best for you. But you were too attached to this tour, not only professionally, but also emotionally. Not only because of Brian, but also the friends you made, and you felt ashamed to leave. Ashamed of the reasons behind that, but you desperately needed a change and that's getting clearer everyday.

You get up and walk to the bathroom, staring at yourself in the mirror and actually pitying yourself when you noticed the accentuated dark circles under your eyes and your tired expression. And you weren't physically tired, you had slept really well, in fact, that's what you do best when you want to run from your thoughts, or ignore reality.