𝙄𝙣 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙌𝙪𝙞𝙚𝙩 𝙈𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 - 𝘊𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘪𝘯 𝘍𝘰𝘰𝘳𝘥

𝙉𝙞𝙣𝙚. 𝘗𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 𝘰𝘧 𝘐𝘯𝘫𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴

I sat on the bench on the sidelines watching the team play against West Ham. I was a substitute today, waiting to be subbed on. Steph sat beside me and we lightly chatted about the performance. After half time was called, Jonas told me to warm up so, I did with Jill, Anna and Daniëlle.

"Go on, sweetie!" Steph cheered me on, mimicking a proud mum to annoy me and I rolled my eyes while making a face at her like she would.

I was subbed on for Jordan in the 49th minute, the two of us patting each other's backs before switching. I ran onto the pitch, high-fiving a few of the girls before the game continued.

In the 51st minute, Caitlin was given a yellow, which Katie fought against, but the Ref wouldn't budge. Jonas called her off the pitch and subbed on Daniëlle in her position.

The game continued with the ball mostly in our posession. We'd already got one goal from Viv in the 33rd minute before half time so, we were ahead of West Ham.

I run for the stray ball, trying to breat the West Ham player racing me towards it. She was fast, but I knew I was faster. I made it to the hall and kicked it forward to sprint towards it and loose the midfielder behind me.

I dribbled the ball, turning around with it. As I turned, I tripped over the ball, landing on my ankle. I hissed as I curled my body over my foot in pain.

"Elena, are you okay?" Beth asks me as she runs over.

"I've done my ankle." I say in a panicked voice, feeling the pain throb in the area. My teammates come and run around me, asking me if I'm okay. Beth tells them to back up and give me some space as the med team arrive. "I think I've sprained it." I tell them.

"Can you walk on it?"

I stand up with the help of Beth and Lia and try to walk on it, but I wince at the pain and shake my head. "Not without support."

'I need to be okay. I need to go to the Olympics. It can't be bad.' I keep telling myself.

The medic comes around me and puts his arm around my waist while Beth holds me from the other side and walks me to the tunnel before she lets go and the medic continues on his own.

'Don't be bad, don't be bad, don't be bad." I repeat in my head quicker than my mouth would be able to form the words.

I hear the game continue as we walk back inside. I wince everytime I put preassure on my ankle until we finally make it to the med room ans I sit down on the bed.

"I'm going to go call the team to help me check your ankle."

I nod at the medic, but as he goes to leave, the door opens, revealing Caitlin. "You okay, Elena?" She asks me, but I only shrug as I tell myself in my head over and over that it's nothing bad, I'll get through my first WSL season and I'll go to the Olympics and come back with no worries or setbacks at all. "Els, talk to me."

"Go away, Caitlin." I snap at her, but then instantly feel guilty. I didn't want her to see me in this state. I didn't want anyone to see me in this state. I could feel tears stinging my eyes as my thoughts circled my brain on an unorganised train track, each and every one of them crashing into one another. Caitlin doesn't take my words to heart as she walks over to me and tries wrapping her arms around me, but I fight her. "No." I tell her, but she doesn't stop. "Caitlin, please. I'm fine."

"That's what you're trying to believe, Elena. You're not getting me to believe that though." Caitlin says, but I continue pushing her away from me, a tear escapes my eye and rolles down my cheek as my breathing grows heavier and shallower while my chest aches.

"Caitlin, it hurts." I tell her, placing my slightly shaking hand on my chest. I felt her slowly wrap her arms around me, still keeping them loose so I wouldn't feel trapped. "My heart hurts." My voice shakes and tears fall.

"Elena, you're having a panic attack. Your heart's okay. It's just your brain believing you're having a heart attack." Caitlin tells me in a soothing voice as she rubs small circles on my back.

I shake my head. "No." I barely get out before I choke on my own tears. "I'm not going to be able to play. I won't be able to play in the Olympics. I won't be able to-"

"Elena, listen to me." Caitlin speaks over me, pulling herself away from me slightly to get a better look at my face. "You're fine. They're going to check your ankle and we'll see what's up with it, okay?"

I shake my head. "No, I don't want them to touch me. I don't want you to touch me. Get off me." I push her off me and she doesn't come forward again, respecting the space I need as I try calming myself down, but when I can't, I panic more.

"Elena," Caitlin says my name, slowly. "you're going to get through this." I shake my head while I pull my hair out of the ponytail it was in. I run my fingers through my hair. I grow frustrated at myself and pull at my hair for being in this state, for letting anyone see me like this, for letting Caitlin see me like this. "Elena, Elena." She slowly steps forward and placed her hands out infornt of me. I look up at her comforting, soft eyes and let go off my hair and place my hands in hers, but I can't stay still. I close my hands around her palms, my nails digging into her skin.

Caitlin doesn't flinch however.

She doesn't react to the pain I cause her. Instead she places her forhead against mine and tells me to copy her breathing. She tells me I'm okay, it's only me and her and that I can do this when I struggle to get my breaths out at the same time as her.

I don't know how long it takes for Caitlin to calm me down from the height of my panic attack, but I still shake and cry even when I'm mostly calmed down. I move my hands from the girl's and wrap my arms around her, hiding my face in her neck.

I wish she didn't have to see me like that. I hated this. I hated crying infront of people, but I felt exhausted. I wanted to sleep, but I was still too anxious waiting for the medics.

"Are you ready to get checked out?" Caitlin asks me and I slowly nod. I let go off her, but then grab her wrist when she begins walking away.

"Stay here." I tell her.

"I need to unlock the door for the medics to come in." I hadn't even realised she'd locked them out when I was too busy worrying about everything I could ever worry about at once.

I let go of Caitlin, letting her open the door. The medics came inside and Caitlin came and stood beside my head as I lay on the bed, letting them pull my boot and sock off to examine my ankle.

When they pushed down on my ankle to test the pain I felt, I tried hiding how much pain I was in, but it was clear when I dug my nails into Caitlin's skin again.

Caitlin talked for me throughout the check up until the medics were finished. "Okay so, it is sprained, but we'd say it's a grade 2 sprain. It'll take 2-3 weeks to heal. We've put on a compression wrap on it to support it and we suggest icing it 2 or 3 times a day whilst also keeping it elevated just to get that swelling down." I nod through all the information, though I don't take any of it in.

My body felt weak and exhausted. I felt like absolute shit.

Caitlin told me she'd be back after grabbing my sliders from the changing rooms, but I didn't let her leave so, she texted Steph instead, who came in no time since the game had ended.

Steph stayed oustide the door and I was grateful. I didn't need her seeing how much of a wreck I was when I had to live with her. Caitlin helps me off the bed and towards the sink where I splash my face with cold water to ground myself once more before we leave the room and Steph asks the quick questions of how my ankle is.

"I'll drive her home, you go shower." Steph says to Caitlin, who looks at me to see if I'm okay with it. I nod and she squeezes my hand lightly before letting go and leaving towards the changing room. "Come on."

I lay in bed, my foot elevated on a pillow under the covers, and stare up at the ceiling. I couldn't get the question of what Caitlin must think of me out of my head. It was stopping me from sleeping. I hated being vulnerable around people because I didn't want to look weak. I wasn't weak. She probably thought I was now though.