Eyes Don't Lie | Charles Leclerc

Part 16 | Pull Me Out Of This

February 10, 2023

The office is quiet, too quiet. I can hear the low hum of the air conditioner, the soft ticking the clock on the wall, and the occasional rustle of papers as my new therapist, Dr. Laurent, jots down notes. It's unnerving having her just watching me.

I'm not used to this kind of silence. It's different from the silence in a car, where my thoughts are drowned out by the sounds of the engine. Here, there's no escape. It's just me, my thoughts, and the shame of finally being here. 

I shift in my seat, the leather cackling under me, and glance down at the notepad in my lap. It's a simple thing, just the 2023 notepad Aria gave me. My fingers traced over the cover of the pad, remembering its purpose. It was meant to help me stay positive, to remind me that each day is a new opportunity to be better. To be kinder to myself.

It's strange how something so small can hold so much weight. This notepad is like a lifeline, something to cling to when everything else feels like it's slipping through my fingers. 

"So, Charles," Dr. Laurent begins, pulling me from my thoughts. "Why are you here today?" 

I swallow, my throat dry, and look up at her. She's sitting across from me, her eyes kind but searching, waiting for me to speak. I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I've faced some of the fastest corners in the world, pushed cars to their limits, but sitting here, in this small office, I feel exposed in a way I never have before. 

"I'm... I'm afraid," I start, the words feeling weird on my tongue. "Afraid of the darkness inside my mind." She nods, encouraging me to continue, but I hesitate. It's not easy to put into words what I've been feeling, what I've been avoiding for so long. But I know I have to try. If I want to have any hope of getting better, I have to confront it. 

"2022," I say, the year alone feeling like a heavy weight in the room. "It ruined me. It turned me into a shell of a person. I couldn't escape it, every mistake, every failure, it just kept piling up, and I didn't know how to handle it." 

I pause, the memories flooding back. The races where I felt like I was drowning, the sleepless nights where my mind wouldn't stop replaying every wrong move, every missed opportunity. The drinking, the nights blurring into a different girl in my bed. It was like living in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. 

"I pushed everyone away," I continue, my voice barely above a whisper. "My friends, my family, I didn't want them to see what I was becoming. I didn't want them to see how weak I was." 

Dr. Laurent doesn't say anything, just lets me speak, and I'm grateful for it. I need to get this out, I've been holding it in for too long and she knows nothing about me. 

"I don't want this," I say, a hint of desperation in my voice. "I don't want to be this person. I want to do better, to be better. I want to reconnect with the people I've pushed away. But I don't know how." 

The room falls silent again, but this time, it feels different. Lighter, maybe. As if by finally admitting these things out loud, I've taken the first step towards something better. I glance down at the notepad again, my fingers tracing the edges. 

"Aria... she's been a big part of that," I say, almost to myself. 

"Aria?" Dr. Laurent asks, gently prompting me to explain. I nod. 

"Yeah, she... I met her by chance, really. I wasn't expecting it, wasn't looking for anything or anyone. But she's... different. She sees me, I think, really sees me, and she's been there, motivating me in ways I didn't know I needed. She's nearly put me on the right course." 

I feel a small, hesitant smile tug at my lips as I think about her. It's strange, how someone can come into your life and suddenly everything starts to make a little more sense. Aria has this way of making me want to be better, for myself. 

"She gave me this," I say, holding up the notepad. "Told me to use it to stay positive, to focus on the good things, no matter how small they might seem. I had a the same notepad for my 2022 season...but the words on those pages were dark, haunting..." 

Dr. Laurent leans forward slightly, her expression softening. "It sounds like she's been a positive influence in your life." 

"She has," I admit, my voice quiet. "But it's not just that. She makes me want to do better, to face the things I've been avoiding. She's helped me see that I don't have to be alone in this." 

I take a deep breath, feeling a mix of emotions swirling inside me, fear, hope, uncertainty. "I know I have a long way to go," I say. "But I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to fight this darkness, to be the person I know I can be. For myself, and for the people who care about me." 

Dr. Laurent gives me a small, encouraging smile. "That's a brave step, Charles. Acknowledging your fears and wanting to work through them is the first step toward healing." 

I nod, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. It's a small step, but it's a step in the right direction. I know this journey won't be easy, it will be filled with ups and downs, with moments where I'll want to give up. But sitting here, in this quiet office, with Aria's notepad in my hands and the weight of my fears slowly lifting, I feel something good.

As I step out of Dr. Laurent's office, the cool breeze of Monaco hits my face, a contrast to the stuffy room I just left. I pull out my phone, eager to check if there are any messages from Aria. Just the thought of hearing from her brings a smile to my face, lifting my spirits after such a heavy session. 

My fingers tap the screen, and I scroll through my notifications until I see her name. I'm about to open her message when my phone buzzes again. My heart skips a beat, hoping it's from her and it is. But as I read the text, my smile fades. 'By the way, do you know an Emma Nolan?'

It's a simple question, but it hits me like a ton of bricks. I didn't realize how much I was hoping for a different message, something light and comforting. Instead, this text pulls me back into a place I didn't want to revisit, uncertainty and insecurity. Emma. Seeing her name on my phone screen put a bad taste in my mouth. 

Seeing Aria's message, I realize that something must have come up that made her ask. Maybe she saw something, or worse read something online. Surely she wouldn't cross paths with Emma...right? I take a deep breath and start typing a response, trying to keep my message brief but honest. 

"Hey Aria, Emma is...someone from my past. Someone I don't want to remember, someone who added to the toxic and emotional turmoil of my 2022 season. But how are you?" 

I hit send and put my phone back in my pocket, feeling a mix of anxiety and hope. I hope she understands, and I hope this doesn't put any strain on the slow connection we've been building. I can't afford to let anything get in the way of the progress I'm making, especially not something as trivial as Emma. 

As I walk to my car, I can't help but replay her text in my mind. I know that I need to focus on the positive changes I'm making in my life. Aria's support has been a beacon of light for me, and I can't let my insecurities of the past overshadow that. I get into the car and sit for a moment, taking a deep breath. I know that whatever happens, I have to be honest with Aria and with myself. 

This is part of the journey I'm on, to face my fears and insecurities head-on, to communicate openly, and to be the person I want to be. My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out to check Aria's reply. I hope it's something that will help ease the tension, something that reminds me of why I'm working so hard to be better.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Author's Note: So Charles is taking the first step and getting help! I love how he mentions Aria to his therapist hehe. Going to be posting another chapter later today! Let's see what happened back in 2022 with the compromising photos taken of Charlie.