Eyes Don't Lie | Charles Leclerc

Part 41 | The Shallows

June 20th, 2023

Tick.Tick.Tick

I sat in my Dr. Laurent's office, the familiar paintings on the walls of the room calming me as I looked around. Tomorrow, I'd be heading to Austria for the next race, but today, I was here to reflect. 

She smiled as she asks me, "How have you been since our last appointment, Charles?" 

For the first time in any of my sessions, I didn't feel the usual weight on my chest. I leaned back into the chair, feeling lighter than I had in a long time. 

"Honestly?" I began, a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "I've been good. Better than I've been in a long time." 

She nodded, encouraging me to continue. So I did, my words coming easily, as though all the changes in my life were just waiting to be spoken out loud. "My results aren't amazing yet, but they're improving. The gap between me and Max is getting smaller with every race. It's frustrating sometimes, but I'm learning to be patient, to trust the process." 

I paused, thinking back to the races. The familiar ache of competition and pressure was still there, but it wasn't overwhelming anymore. I was finding joy in the sport again, something I'd lost for a while. 

"I've been reconnecting with my friends, my friends from home," I continued, "the ones I shut out last year when things were...dark. I guess I was scared to let them see me like that. But now, we're hanging out again. It feels good to be with people who've known me my whole life." 

Dr. Laurent listened quietly, and I appreciated that she let me speak without interruption. "And my family," I said, feeling my chest tighten for a second before relaxing. "I've grown closer to them too. My brothers, my maman...I didn't realize how much I needed them until I almost pushed them away. They're my anchor, and I can see that now." 

I shifted slightly in my seat, my mind drifting to Aria, and I couldn't help but smile, a warmth spreading through me. "And Aria..." I hesitated for a moment, but there was no reason to hold back. "She's changed my life in ways I didn't think were possible. When I was at my worst, I never imagined I could feel this happy again. But she's...I don't know how to describe it. She's everything I didn't know I needed." 

Her face softened as I spoke about her, and I could see that she understood. "How has she changed your life?" she asked gently, her pen pausing on the paper as if this was something she wanted me to fully explore. I ran a hand through my hair, thinking. 

"She makes me feel like I can be myself. I don't have to hide the dark parts of me from her. I tried to push her away in the beginning whenever I had a bad moment, because I was afraid...afraid that she'd see the mess I was and walk away. But she didn't. She stayed, even when I gave her reasons not to." 

I swallowed hard, feeling a lump in my throat. "She's patient with me, and she grounds me when everything feels too much. I don't think I've ever been this open with someone before. And the way she makes me feel, like I'm not broken. Like I'm...enough." 

I looked at Dr. Laurent, who was still smiling gently, and I realized how far I'd come. Not just because of the work I'd done in therapy, but because I'd let someone into my life who made me want to be better. "Aria's helped me be happy," I admitted softly. 

Her warm smile remained as she scribbled a few notes in her pad. Then, she looked up at me, her voice calm but firm. "Charles, I want to acknowledge the progress you've made. It's not easy, what you're doing, rebuilding yourself, staying committed to therapy, and making space for positive changes. I'm proud of you for continuing this work." 

Hearing those words felt strange. Pride wasn't something I associated with myself much lately, but her affirmation settled in me. I nodded, taking in what she said. "But," she continued, "while racing is a huge part of your life, it's also important to keep focusing on the smaller things that keep you grounded, things outside of racing. Like your family, your friends, and Aria. All those connections are what anchor you when the track gets tough."