This Is Everything I Didn't Say [EN]

A Comprehensive Premise

How may I start? There is a lot I would like to say but I'm afraid to wrong the words... I will try to make them as right as possible, so correct me if I'm wrong.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people just exist," said Oscar Wilde.
I've been thinking about this quote... and I've been thinking about the fact that most people just "go with the flow". Forgive me if I misuse the expression, but no one, I mean NO ONE, has ever dared to explain me the meaning behind it. I understand the "living the moment" thing, but to me, "go with the flow" is the easy excuse. It's the easy way out.

Some people say that it's too "complicated" to commit to anything (which I can't deny), so they will "go with the flow". It's too hurtful to fall in love, they said. So they just "go with the flow". Making choices is too much commitment, so we shall "go with the flow".
Recently, a boy (a boy, yes a boy, NOT a man) told me he "truly" loved me. (Love is a big word that must be used carefully, remember that.) So the guy and I called each other, and in the end he told me he didn't know if he actually loved me, but he liked talking to me... and he wanted to "go with the flow" to see where it could lead us. I mean, I understand the fact that before getting into a relationship, you need to take time, see if you really like the person, etc. But do NOT pretend you're "in love" with the person if you aren't sure of how you feel.

I'm not mad at him, I understand. But he isn't the only one who acts that way. This gives me the impression that most people (I'm not targetting anyone) exist. They simply exist as random atoms in the universe, following the natural and basic laws of physics, bouncing against each other, "going with the flow", forming molecules without even being aware of their impact and the process behind it, and let alone wondering about it at all.

And I can't deny I find this fundamentally frustrating. They're just existing, wasting away precious minutes, not even caring whether they're meaningful or not. (And I could talk about climate change, and how many people care so little, but this is not an environmental thesis.)
They don't wonder, or ask, they just... "go with the flow".

As for me, I don't think we simply are on Earth just because we are (I'm not talking about God, or religions). Why would we simply be the result of a series of "coincidences" and "odds"? Of course we might be. But what if not?

What if we are meant to be or to do Something?

I strongly believe there is a point to everything. You meet someone for a reason. They either teach you or show you something new. You have been bullied, not because you're ugly or weak or "not enough". This will make you stronger (even though you're gonna learn it the hard way). You lose someone or something, and you need to learn (and grow) from your loss. So... if everything happens for a reason, why, from a greater point of view, aren't we, humans, existing for a reason? A reason that's beyond eating, breathing, going out and spending money?

I mean, if we don't live for something greater than ourselves, then maybe we die for something greater than ourselves (stating inspired from "The Fault in Our Stars" novel written by John Green)... but it's very likely uncertain. Death itself is still a mystery to this day. If we were to die for Something, don't you think we would all be gone by now?

People still ask me why I wonder so much... The main reason is, I'm lucky enough to be different and I got to embrace it. I love wondering and asking questions about the world. About ourselves.

And I want to live by meaningful words and actions. Because otherwise, will my life be worth it? Worth living? Worth telling? If I don't live for something greater than my little self (might I remind you that each one of us is one person among billions), than how could I say I have lived at all?

I don't feel the need and I don't want to be like Marie Curie, Alexander Graham Bell, Isaac Newton, Stephen Hawking, Eleanor Roosevelt, ... (just to name a few historically important humans). I don't want to be a Hero, like soldiers who fight and fought heroically (and died heroically) at war. I don't want to be an Oscar-winning actress... I don't want to be An Inspiration To Humanity, like religions have so far succeeded in the lives of many...

Now, you need to know that I'm not seeking fame, or glory, or wealth, or reputation. I'm not interested in making The Greatest Discovery of The Universe. Nor do I wish to make The Biggest Difference in the world. I don't mean to leave Something for Humanity, Something that will sink in deeper than the ink of tattoos beneath our skin... but I believe that every single one of us has the power to make a difference, as utopian as it may sound.

Furthermore, I want a tiny parcel of what the universe has to offer, because I refuse to think that I am just "someone". At stake of sounding self-aggrandizing, I deeply believe that I'm more than a randomly selected set of DNA proteins, atoms and cells (well, like each one of us, but I will speak for myself). I stubbornly believe that I wasn't born just because two human beings connected at some point... I might simply be one of the billions of examples of coincidences and odds that happen in the Universe, but I still feel like we aren't born just because that's how biology works. Like we don't randomly exist simply because that's what our bodies do: they keep us alive. (Does it ever cross your mind? Do you ever wonder why you're alive?)

As Maddie from "Everything Everything" (novel written by Nicolas Yoon), I firmly believe that "there is so much more to living than being alive". That's why I feel the need to have a story to tell. Not just a story, a book or a life-long poem written by me. I want to share the story of my life. And not just a "I was born on August 26, I grew up with my family, I studied social sciences" kind of story. I have no interest in sharing my plain, boring biography with the world. However, I do have interest in partially sharing my essence with the world.

I will repeat the key quote of this present text: "To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people just exist", said Oscar Wilde. And in my opinion, he was 100% right. That's why I want to make my "story" worth telling. Because I don't want to simply exist, like most people. I want to live. And I think that if my story can inspire someone, or mean something to someone, whatever little meaning it may bear, then I will have gotten my one (both living and dying) wish: I will have made my mark upon this world, leaving a trace (as A hoped, in the book "Every Day" by David Levithan).

On the other hand, I don't want to simply make my mark... Of course not. I'm not so careless in regards of my "legacy". Indeed, I hope I can minimize my casualties by then (ie: the scars I'm responsible of)... because "the marks humans leave at too often scars", said dearest Augustus Waters (from the fictional universe of "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green). And I don't want to be a grenade in the lives of those I care for, I don't want to leave scars, since I'd rather not leave a trace at all and not make my mark at all, than to leave too many scars behind, like most people (I'm really not targetting anyone, and my point doesn't consist of accusing people).

All of this because I fear oblivion, more than I fear spiders or the dark or ghosts or the Unknown, so to leave my mark upon Earth would be my greatest achievement (and challenge), because I will feel like I have not lived (and loved) in vain.