Don't leave...We need you (5SOS Ashton Irwin) *COMPLETED, EDITING*

1: Worked It Out •

Me and Luke still haven't spoken in the past week ever since my incident. He found me later that night on the swing and he screamed at me for running away. I dont think he was actually angry, more worried. I have been off school quite a bit, faking an illness or just hanging out in the park. I wouldn't say i have cut anymore than usual in the past week but i have thought about stuff a whole lot more.

You are probably wondering why I cut and I suppose I can't really explain. Yes I have 2 loving brothers but that's all i've got. It relieves the pain. Seeing the fresh blood running down my arm, makes me feel alive. It feels as though I am letting all the bad feelings out. I tried to stop cutting once. Instead I turned to not eating and in my opinion that was worse and if I kept it up Luke would have found out. So how does he not find out about my cutting. Bracelets.

The thinking that I have been doing this last week has lead me to see how I am, at the moment, needed. I help Luke with Leo so i will continue to do so. The moment they need me no more though I am out. I don't want to forever live in a bubble trying and failing to block out the comments. I know they will never go away and with being busy with Leo all the time I am hardly going to get any good grades for my exams with next to none revision time. I will not get a good job in the future because of this and will forever live life lonely. So don't live is my answer. For a while though I am ok with my razor blades releasing the pain whilst I am needed...

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Its Saturday. Me and Luke are about to leave for Leos speech therapy lesson. After we have to go to the surgery for Leos observatory session with Dr Stephens to see if they can diagnose his problems. I feel so sorry for Leo. Not only has he got diabetes but other things on top? He's only 3! I'm so scared. As if that's not bad enough Leos having one of his fits. He has a day about once a month where he will refuse to do anything. Go anywhere, see anyone, eat, even sleep. He will cry and scream until you just leave him alone. He then just sits in a corner and stares into space. Its as if he's mourning for mum. He only ever cries for her at night when he wants a cuddle but during the day he just gets on with it. Usually.

"Shhh Leo its alright" I coo.

He's still screaming because we won't leave him alone. We are only trying to help him! Today is so important. Today we may finally be able to get some answers. Today we have a tight schedule and today is the day Leo has a fit. We try everything. From cuddles to coos, he won't stop.

"We will have to phone and cancel" Luke says, his voice full of regret.

"No Luke, you know how long we waited to get an appointment for that doctor!!!" I plea.

"WELL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" Luke yells.

Taken aback to Luke acting as if its my fault I yell back. "LUKE WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, IF WE HAVE TO DRAG HIM THERE THEN LETS! Please" I beg.

I don't know what I am begging for. I know as well as Luke that there is no way we can get Leo out of the house. He may only be 3 but he can kick, spit, bite not to mention scream as well as a full grown man. I glance at Luke to find tears streaming down his face.

"Luke i'm so sorry" I whisper before leaving the screaming heap that is Leo on the floor and crawling over to him.

I hug him tightly, trying to ease both his and my pain. Leo has stopped screaming.

"No i'm sorry" Luke whispers back before pausing. "Maybe this isn't the best idea, how am i supposed to look after both of you when I can't even look after myself? I should of never have said I would, and i'm so sorry for relying on you to look after Leo all the time. I don't think we should do this anymore. I think you would be better off in care. I can't even make my little brother feel secure and safe..."

I listened to Luke for a while before catching on to what he was trying to say. "NO LUKE NO. I WON'T LET YOU! I KNOW YOU HATE BEING LUMBERED WITH BOTH ME AND LEO BUT HOW DO YOU THINK WE WILL FEEL WHEN WE ARE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU HUH? I KNOW IT WILL BE EASIER FOR YOU BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU. Luke stop please"

By now tears are free falling down both of our faces. "Don't you dare say that. Why would you ever think I wouldnt want you two to be taken away from me unless it was for the best. As much as I hate to say it I... I don't think we can cope living like this anymore, but just know I love you and this is for the better. I don't want this but this is what has to be done... I will call social services later"

For the duration of Luke and I's heated argument we hadn't as much as glanced at Leo to see what state he was in. We hadn't even noticed he had gone until...

"LEO, LEO" Luke screams.

My head snaps up. Both me and Luke rush out the door of the living room, splitting up to search the house. I search Luke's room, my room and the bathroom. Nada. I sprint back down the stairs to see if Luke has done any better. I hear a noise from the kitchen. I rush in to find Luke in a heap on the floor.

"Luke? Luke get up whats the matter?"

He drunkenly points over my shoulder. I spin around to find...

"Leo, Lolo" I scream whilst sliding on the kitchen floor towards the already opened back door. I don't even bother to put on any shoes I just rush across the garden, through the gap in the fence to the field beyond.

This was the field the car ended up in. The car from the crash mum and Steve where killed in. The one Leo survived in. I rush through the waist high corn desperate to see the sandy blond hair that belongs to Leo. I hear footsteps behind me. I spin round to find Luke frantically searching too before feeling something smash into the back of me, winding me. It clings onto me for dear life sobbing quietly. I pick Leo up hugging him too me. Never letting go. Now another pair of arms are wrapping round me. They belong to Luke.

Standing here with the only family in the world that is truely mine is what spurs me to live on for them, until they need me no more. I have a mission to keep us together.

I stand hugging my brothers for a few more seconds before Luke's voice, hoarse from crying whispers in my ear: "He's figured it all out, all of it. He knows that this was the last place he saw mum and this was where he saw all the blood. He knows she died, he knows because he has been working it all out in his head."

It all makes sense to me now. Leo thought his mummy and daddy were coming back. All those fits were where the confusion in his brain was coming out as an emotion. His space staring was him thinking, clocking where they must be, and only just now he remembered the crash and how horrible mum and Steve looked. How they couldn't live anymore because they were so injured.

The realisation of how clever Leo must be to have worked this all out washes over me.

***

Suddenly a warm mug of tea being pressed into my hands brings me back down to the world. Leo is sitting on the floor of the living room playing with his Lego as if nothing happened. It did all happen didn't it?

"It all happened but you spaced out so I brought you back to the house with Leo" Luke answers my unasked question.

"Becca?" Luke asks me. "uhhm" I mumble back.

"I take back what I said before. Feeling for 5 minutes what I felt then, because I thought I lost Leo is what I never want to feel again, only it would be ten times worse than what I felt before because you would be gone too, we have to stay together, even if it is hard work" Luke explains.

"Did you think I would ever let you chuck me and Leo out?" I ask jokily now fully aware of what is happening and what had just occurred.

Luke smiled at me before looking directly at Leo. "You know we still have time to get to that appointment!?" He says.

That's what I love about Luke he has such dramatic mood swings, so when he's in a good mood then he suddenly turns sour. Yes its not pleasant but when he's in a fowl mood then he is suddenly really sweet it makes me feel good about myself, as though maybe he does value me as a sister.

"I love you Lukey" I suddenly say to Luke.

"I love you too bub" Luke says back before hoisting Leo into his arms and exiting the room. I follow behind collecting my bag.

media box = Keep Holding On - Avril Lavinge