Pretty little promises (Mialotte)

Chapter 16 | This is me trying

(Charlotte's pov)

After a couple of hours of cuddling in bed, Mia decided that she wanted to go grab us some snacks. She did offer if I would like to join her, but I didn't really feel like it at that moment.

As she left the house, I immediately felt a negative cloud circle around me, making me feel claustrophobic with sadness.
This was the first moment I had actually spent alone since the party and all of a sudden, all of my previous feelings had came rushing back.

My eyes slowly darted around her living room which I was sitting in. The silence in the house was deafening.
Taking a step at a time, I managed to make my way upstairs to my girlfriend's bedroom. I went to grab my diary out of my bag but as I reached inside, the only thing I felt was emptiness. My expression went emotionless since I was sure I packed it. I have a photographic memory so I remember everything, including me clearly placing my diary inside of my white handbag.
No one would've taken it right?

Impatiently, I gazed out of the red-heads window, waiting for her to arrive home.
I eventually gave up and climbed back in the quilt, which I had stayed in all day, and curled myself up into a ball.
One individual question filled my mind as it soon lead off into different wonders of mine.
Why?
Why did my parents have to act like that?
Why do I have to be so imperfect?
Why must I be such a people pleaser?
Why do I HAVE to try?
Why am I the way I am?

Am I ever going to be good enough for anyone.? I feel like I don't belong anywhere, including Earth. I am undeserving of Mia's touch, even though I constantly crave it. I cling onto this one person because I have no one else, but fear over-rides me everyday thinking, what if I lost the one person who keeps me (mostly) stable?
To most, she might just be this one mean red-head with an attitude problem, but I see her as so much more. If only people could see more to me.

I'm starting to believe that no one will ever understand my pain. The pressure forcing me to be the best at everything is weighing me down. Even though my parents are dead, I still feel their presence and I live in constant fear that they are still alive and will track me down.
That could never happen.. right?

What others don't see is how hard I'm trying.
This is me trying.
Can people see that I'm attempting to save myself, no.
They can't even tell I'm hurting, I guess that's my fault.
Everything that goes wrong these days is my fault.
With my fake smile and unreal bubbly personality, who would know how mentally ill I am?
Even Mia couldn't see it, she only came around after she found out about my past.
I just feel as if people see right through me.

As I finally let my weeps break free and out into the atmosphere, I hear my name being called from downstairs.
"Char! Sweetheart, I'm home!"
My girlfriend yelled out.
I attempted to prepare myself to be able to yell out a reply but I couldn't get myself to do it. My mouth would open but nothing would come out.
"Sweetheart! Where are you?"
I hear her scream, even louder this time which causes my sobs to become heavier and more aggressive.
A deep sigh could be heard from downstairs before a large bang and someone running up the stairs.

(Mia's pov)

I was extremely confused as to why Char was not responding to me but all was answered after I heard blaring cries come from upstairs. Loudly, I dropped the carrier bags from my arms and sprinted up the stairs so I could be there by her side.
My body automatically directs me into my bedroom and perfectly inlined with my eyesight was a large ball, wrapped up in my quilt.
I sat on the edge of my bed while softly stroking Charlotte's back from under the blanket and whispering gently,
"It's okay baby, let it all out."