My Mother's Secret - A Sequel To The Summer of 1993

Breakfast With Dad and Dinner With Mom

    I got up a little early, looked at my social media and got ready to take dad to breakfast.  It was a gray, overcast day.  He said that Jackie was "a little bitch" when he wanted to fix her dinner.   "You know, you are so kind.  You are NOTHING like your sister.  I asked her to dinner and she was like 'I am too busy dad, sorry. She is so like your mom. I guess Johnny's sperm gave you a heart,". She was teaching a writing  class at the university.  She was grading finals and I reminded him of that.  "Dummy Comp" was what she taught.   Sometimes, like the two girls in a dark bedroom off of a busy street, we would giggle about it. "It's finals time, dad," I said.

I told him I dreamt of the house on Colorado Boulevard. He said, "That fuckin' place, I hated it. I hated that alley behind the house, but it was the only place we could afford." We lived in the hood from the time I was twelve to the time I turned eighteen and moved to a northern neighborood with lovely ranch houses. It was a gift from uncle Vince.  It was this long, brick house that my mom made a a home for five years.  The house next door was abandoned for years and next door the tenants came and went. It wasn't stable, but neighbors were fiercely loyal to mom. Dad rarely hit her but he emotionally abused her for days.

"It was a happy place. Jackie and I spent hours in our bedroom playing, and when mom worked nights we would lock the doors and sit in the dark, telling stories,"
"I feared for you, it was your mom's spending caused us to have that house." He never took the blame. "She caused a lot of things, caused ME to have a reputation. You know, some guy spread a rumor she had AIDS, so I was very apprehensive to date her."
"But you got her pregnant. She told me about that and to always be safe because you should never get an abortion."
"That, too."

That played with her head for YEARS. I was onky two but I remember her just crying and crying and crying. She told me one night when I was dating Sam, "It destroyed me". I remember he just being sad, then there was the new baby, but she was still sad. I remember when they both lost their jobs at Arby's because he stole and mom was "guilty by association" and she cried and cried. They would keep her but he made her quit. I think, over the years, he made her so unhappy and I tried not to talk about it.

"What time is your mom getting in."
"She said they would call. Her last class is at four."
"I bet she finds a guy to bang there."
"Dad that was cold."
"Well, if she is getting it from somewhere., she always has.  I a, not good enough."

She would very soon. I wanted to say, "if you weren't such an asshole", but I did not, 

Johnny sent us a check for Christmas. He was going back to Europe. I bought some toys for Bobby, a few books for my dad, a sweater or two for my mom, a few gift cards for Jackie and her boyfriend, and a nice wallet for Sam.

I took my dad to work and he thanked me. "It saves me the humiliation of riding the bus. You mom loves to humilate me," he sneered..   Then I drove down Colorado Boulevard. Our house was there, but it was crumbling. I remember being in the basement and the bricks were powder. That was not good. We moved in six months. I went in the alley, I parked the car and looked in the window. Some squatters had lived there, but they left the Maddie and Jackie hearts painted in fuchsia and purple alone. There was trash strewn everywhere, The broken pane from dad in the China cabinet was there. The only thing good to come out of her marriage was Jackie. I got in my car and left. I think how my mom could have been spared being robbed a few times and an attempted rape, but the man who lived in the house next door turned on his porch light.

"Can't wait to see you tonight," I texted. I placed her diary back on her table where it was. Where she hid she was aired, frustrated wife. Where she hid that she wanted Johnny Depp back in her life more than anyone knew, well except me. I went home, got dressed and went to work. Dad went to City Market and showed up at four. I was glad. He sort of smelled bad and was dirty. I drove him home and waited for mom's call, which was at 5:46 and she took me to dinner at the Big Boy.   

    Her boss didn't even wait for me.  She sat at the rental car place in the cold.   She got in the car, let out a sigh and said, "it was the worst time I havre spent.  Ever."  I asked, "Even with dad."   She said, "I would rather have him talk incessantly than have a sexist joke and sizest joke made at me."   She said, "Pull in.  Let's eat."  I asked her questions about Johnny if she weee to meet him.

    "Would you want dad to be around?" 
"Not really?"
"What he said he was gay?"
"Johnny is not gay!"  
"Seth was gay.  Is gay."
"Well, this is different."
"No."
"Would you have sex with him."
"That I cannot answer."

   Mom was really good friends with Seth.  In fact she went to see Julian and Seth in Arizona.  

   I drove her home.   Dad was all happy to see her.  She put her thunbs in her room, greeted the dog, and went to her room.   They were roommates.  Nothing else.  I felt sad about that. She deserved someone to talk to her day and night, ands not at her.   She had given up.   I chit chatted and noticed she bought Sauvage,  she always smelled so good.   I remember, though, when she had to sell most of her perfume.  It broke her heart.  

   I wanted my mom to smile again.,