Diary of a Mad Poet

His pain

Dev stands behind me with his hands around my waist as I try to make dinner. I couldn't get him to go away and a piece of me didn't want him to go. So here we are in silence. I have a lot of questions and so much going through my mind.

I finish cooking, making him a plate too. We walk to the living room in silence and sit down. I look at him looking at me and release a sigh. "What now?" I had to ask.

"I miss you, with everything in me I miss you. I know you've never been happy with me or around me and I see your point of view. It took me some time but I see it" he says placing the plate to the side.

"You hurt me and I can't just walk away from that, Soulmate or not." I say looking away from him.

"We could start over. Forget it all? Burn the memories. Meet each other for the first time?" he whispers the last part but I hear him.

"It's not that easy, I can't ignore it all" I start to eat my food. I can't forget, it's not that easy and even with the option to forget, it's just not okay.

"Would you please walk in my shoes for a moment, please" he pleads and I falter at his desperation. I could always just go through his head and he'll let me. He wants me to walk in his shoes right? What better way than in his head.

I internally chant a spell that I know he can hear and I enter his mind and pause on a memory of Dev on his knees with tears running down his face.

"Why? Why must I always suffer for you father? At what point do I get happiness? I fell for you and run hell at your liking, I punish per your instructions, I have done all you ask and in the end you ask that I break the gift you gave me? She suffers, I suffer and you watch. You knew this would happen and you let it" his cry was painful, I didn't know how to feel. But it hurt on such a deep level.

Does God deliberately put people through harsh realities for a good show? His own son too? I can't come to terms with that, we know he is a vengeful and jealous God but could he be that bad?

"You speak as though no option was given to you Lucifer. I told you what you need to do to get her by your side in hell. You had a choice to do so or not. I did not force you" a calm response coming from the walls said. I watched Dev fall apart, I could feel his emotions, the pain and hurt.

"I promise to get you back Kiah, and I'll make it right. I'll never let you feel pain again" A promise made in blood and tears as he cut his wrist and blood touched the floor.

I continued to walk around his head till I couldn't anymore. I stood up silently and walked to the kitchen and washed the dishes. Dev followed like a puppy wish his hands around my waist. I thought about it, getting rid of the memories, of all the pain and hurt. Is that not a gift, I'm tired of holding onto this anger and pain.

"I want to graduate" is all I say.

"You can graduate my love. But will you go to hell with me after?" he asks with his head on top of mine. This is too peaceful, I don't think we have ever been so calm and at peace around each other. All the pain in my chest subsides and I almost forget all I've been through. I'm starting to feel like God has always been against me, always been my true enemy and I used to pray to the being. 

"I'll decide after graduation" I sigh and feel his arms tighten around me. I wish it was simple and I was not programmed to feel this way around him. God must enjoy watching us have all this turmoil and heartbreak. It must be entertaining trying to figure out how much pain we can take and how we handle it because 'free Will' right? 

"I will wait but until then I will visit you once in a while, after being so close to you, I don't think I can handle being away from you for long. Just holding you like this." He turns me around looking down at me so lovingly and kissing my forehead. "I crave your very presence" he kisses my cheek. "To exist where you exist, to be seen by you is truly my heroin" he kisses my neck and pulls me even closer to him. I wrap my arms around his neck letting my head fall back giving him more excess which pleases him because he lets out a muffled groan turning me on.  

I should stop this but it's so hard. Could I forgive him? I doubt it but he would live the rest of his eternal life proving his love to me. But I don't want that, I don't want him to live like that. He is a victim too, with or without a choice his father really broke him and watched him break me too. He gifted him love and made him break it and now have to rebuild it. Could I ever give in to this broken bond? I feel Dev push me against the counter and feel his teeth nip at the skin under my ear eliciting a moan. He tenses and starts slowly detaching himself from my body.

I open my eyes and watch him. "I want you so badly, but I need you to want me too". I can see him fighting himself from grabbing me and having his way with me. "I don't want to ruin anything before it starts". 

"I read about a potion that takes away your pain, specifically the pain you feel with certain memories. I've made it before but never had the guts to drink it because I wanted to hate you just a bit longer but after being in your head I understand that I just wanted to hold on to the honest feelings I have towards you" I look anywhere but at him. "I know you didn't know about this potion either because your father kept it away from your knowledge, I want to get rid of the hurt but not the memories so I act on what I know but I don't want to hurt anymore Dev" 

He comes closer but doesn't touch me. "Before the graduation I will drink the potion and I will make the a decision" I pull his body close standing on my tip toes and he leans in and in that moment when our lips meet, we understand each others pain and give each other comfort in knowing that.