Diary of a Mad Poet

Let Go

(Time Skip)

I sit staring at the potion on the table. Why am I so nervous? I mean I said I'd drink it after graduation and well I graduated yesterday and have a slight hang over. Niko went overboard with the party yesterday. I thought he was throwing a small get together with a few friends but nope! He had to throw the biggest party of the year. 

It's been a few months and Dev has been visiting every other Tuesday and Saturday. Not sure why he chose those days, but I guess I got used to it. He hasn't tried anything and neither have I, we usually just talk and ask each other questions digging into the past and things we wish could happen. Dev has expressed his dislike for Niko and well I don't blame him, in a way Niko does remind me of Victor. How charming he was when I first met him and how I almost lost my mind. Just thinking about the torture in that room when they kidnapped me makes me shiver.

I rub my head slightly still staring at the cup sitting in front of me. What happens when I stop feeling all this anger for my family, Dev, Lilie and most importantly the guy upstairs. I mean it won't mean I forgive any of them, but it will probably make it so much easier. I suck in another breath and reach for the cup. I mean all I have to do is drink it then decide if I will be going back to hell or not. 

I should stop overthinking this. Bringing the cup to my lips, I gulp it down as fast as I can. Don't want to chicken out mid-way through drinking it. I need to drink every single drop in this cup for the potion to work. I drink all of it, down to the very last drop and my head starts throbbing even more. I drop the cup in the sink and head for my bedroom feeling my head heat up.

Did I get the potion wrong? Should my head be hurting so bad? It feels like someone's got a hold on the back of my head and keeps ramming my head into a brick wall. My body starts burning up as soon as I lay my head on the pillow. My clothes feel so tight and restricting right now. I take off my t-shirt and shorts slowly avoiding fast movements that will make my head throb even more. Laying back down my headache starts to get worse and I don't know what to do as the tears slip from my eyes. This hurts. Why does it always have to hurt. Shutting my eyes to keep the light out because it feels like the light in my room is making everything worse.

I start to see visions or rather memories of the past.

(Flash back)

I raise my arm trying to protect myself from the slaps my grandmother keeps throwing my way. Why does she hate me so much, no one else gets treated like this. All I did was go outside and play with kid next door. I did my homework, what more should I have done? I receive another slap sending me to the ground. The tears are evidence of my pain.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I beg as I back into the corner of the room with my grandmother following. My crying isn't enough to stop her. 

I find myself standing where my grandmother once stood watching her approach my 8-year-old self with a belt. And I watch her beat me until I blacked out.  The room changes and now I'm watching my family eat dinner at the table while I'm made to sit alone in the corner and watch them. I was hungry that night, I hadn't eaten for 2 days. They punished me for knowing what candy tastes like because I wasn't allowed to have any. My mother called me greedy and that I needed to suffer for disobeying her. 

And to make sure I didn't eat she kept me from school and locked me in my room. I watch as my 9-year-old self cries silently because any sound would trigger my grandmothers need to abuse me. I watch the happy faces of the people sitting at the table, acting as though I never existed.

The room changes to when I was 11 walking home from school. As I walked past the house at the corner, three grown men rush out of the house with guns in their hands and two big bags. They got in the car and drove away, I didn't understand the rush until I realized they left the door open, I looked at the open door and noticed someone lying on the floor with blood pooling around them. I froze staring into the dead man's eyes and screamed. How I wish I had ignored it all and never made a sound. neighbors had come out to see why I was screaming and took me home after the police questioned me next to my very angry mother.

The moment they left I knew I was going to regret seeing that man. My mother rarely ever put her hands on me, I guess that's why I believed she loved me even if it was a little bit. "You have the nerve to get home late and with the police too!" I received a slap, and I swear my mother's face morphed into something I had never seen before. But I could read the anger on that face clearly. I watch as my mother drags the younger me through the house throwing me into every wall, object or door we walked past. That night I slept on the cold basement floor. 

At that age I convinced myself that maybe if I showed my mother positive emotions like smiling at her or telling I love her, she would stop and maybe protect me. Well, I was right, she never put her hands on me again after I said I loved her the following morning when I got out of the cold basement. But thats all that stopped, after that she started leaving me for business trips and we built a fake relationship. The day I slept on that cold floor was the day I started truly hating my family.

(End of flash back)

I gasp opening my eyes and holding my aching head. I feel the tears on my face and in that moment I fall apart. I grip at the pillows trying to keep the screams of pain in. But I can't. I keeps slipping back into my memories and every time I get a grip of reality my sobs become louder. The pain in my chest tightens and I try to remember any happy moment I had in life. And a flash back of Lilie and I laying on the grass at the park comes to mind, but it quickly disappears as I get pulled into more memories.

"You know one day you'll need to let go of everything if you want to truly be happy Gray" Lilies voice rings in my head. I remember laying next to her on the grass and I never understood what she meant by that, but I think I do now. I get pulled into a memory of how I got the scar on my back and I feel the tearing of my skin and scream. I roll onto the floor with a thud, and cry, for the first time in so many years I let it all out and cry. I keep holding onto the pain and I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted.  I cry for what feels like hours and the flash backs stop.

Taking a deep breath, I push myself into a sitting positing and stare at my shaking hands. Kiah let go. I tell myself. I need to make peace with it. All of it. I'll never forget but I need to stop carrying their sins on my shoulders. "Has the pain subsided?" I jump slightly raising my still aching head to look at Dev standing in front of me. When did he get here?

He lifts me off the ground and places me back on the bed half naked and covers me with a blanket. "Rest Kiah, I'll be here when you wake up" My eyes start to shut and all I can think about is how it doesn't hurt anymore.