When sparks fly... [a Roman Reigns story]

28 Be honest

Amali POV

Many hours later, I was standing in front of Roman's door. I hesitated to raise my hand to knock because my heart was beating so fast and hard I could feel it in my throat. It was now or never. Because one thing was clear... we had to get this thing out of the way or it would stand between us forever. Or rather... I had to do it. Because it was actually part of the healing process.

And as Uncle Pauli had said... If I wanted a future with Roman then I had to be honest now. No matter how scared I was.

Eventually, I took another deep breath and knocked. The sound seemed far too loud, it was so quiet around me.

The door opened slowly, almost as if in slow motion. I nervously played with my fingers and waited to see Roman's face. He greeted me with a smile. That alone helped to calm my nerves at least a little.

"Hey..." he said softly and reached out for me.

"Hey..." I breathed as I put my hand in his.

I sighed. It was as if a weight fell from my shoulders that I hadn't known I'd been carrying around with me. With a gentle tug, he pulled me into the room and then hugged me tightly before lifting me off my feet. I immediately wrapped my legs around him. If I had my way, I would never let go of him again.

Roman walked to the bed with me clinging to him and sat down. We just held each other for a while. Without saying a word, we enjoyed the closeness to each other.

Finally, we both pulled back a little so that we could look into each other's eyes. I gave him a gentle kiss before stroking his face.

"How are you?" I asked softly.

"Right now I'm happy to be able to hold you in my arms. What about you?" Roman replied just as quietly.

"I'm pretty nervous. So if you don't mind... I'd like to tell you what happened last year. And if it's not too much to ask... Please let me finish and ask your questions, if you have any, afterwards.... Is that okay?" I said, my voice strained.

"That's okay, baby girl. I'm listening." he replied and then put his hands on my hips before giving me a kiss on the forehead.

"Okay... alright then. I don't remember exactly when it started, but I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, sometimes worse, sometimes better. It helps when I'm happy or just busy. Then I don't have so much time to think about all the bad things. But as you can imagine... When I was injured I had a lot of downtime. With every week that went by I got more depressed and also more angry. I didn't know what to do with my feelings. 

I told you that I was in a dark hole and that's true. It's just that it was so bad that I didn't talk to anyone anymore. Not even with my therapist. Looking back, that was a big mistake. On top of that, I had to take a lot of painkillers and my medication for anxiety. And stupid as I was... I then started drinking. Heavily.

A little more every day. Until I eventually realized that it did me good how it stopped the pain and the thoughts. At some point... at some point I thought... This is good. I don't have to suffer. I can end it.

When I think about it now... it's almost like I was a different person. I wasn't kidding when I said I couldn't believe how weak I was. I am deeply ashamed that I didn't have the strength to pull myself out of it.

But on that one day... everything was just too much. I couldn't take it anymore. The voices... the shadows. So I decided... to actually end it. I took all the pills I had at home and took them together with a bottle of vodka...

If I... If I hadn't thrown up, there's a good chance I wouldn't still be here. I regret it so much... I would have hurt so many people. Including you. But I just couldn't do it anymore. I hadn't seen the sun at that point.

Mom found me. Unconscious in my own vomit on the bathroom floor. She called the ambulance and they took me back to the hospital. After that... I returned to therapy after that. But it didn't really get better... Not until I got better help. I'm on different medication and that's made a big difference.

I just wanted to forget it all. That's why I didn't say anything. Because... I just know that it changes the way you look at me. And now that you know... I can only hope that you still like me. Even if I can understand if you don't anymore." I explained slowly.

My voice was quiet and at some point the tears started to run down my cheeks. It helped to release some of the tension from my body. Only when I had finished did I lift my head to look at Roman. I didn't know what to expect. But it wasn't the softness in his gaze and it certainly wasn't the tears glistening in his eyes.

"Amali, I love you. And that won't change. If anything, I love you even more. Because even if you think you're weak. You are the opposite. You're so strong, baby. A fighter! Because you got through it. It didn't break you. You fought your way back. And now look at you! I am so proud of you.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that and I wish I could have been there for you. And I'm sorry that I put so much pressure on you. That wasn't right. I just let it all go to my head. I let him get into my head." Ro then said.

"Wait... You let who into your head?" I asked, not understanding what he meant.

Roman sighed deeply and looked at me in shame. Then he explained to me what the trigger was.

"Oh... that explains a lot. I mean... I can understand why you reacted the way you did. We're both to blame for the whole thing. I just wish you had told me right away. So... how about... we make a promise here and now. No more secrets." I replied afterwards.

I wasn't even angry. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I just felt a huge sense of relief. Without the thing with my ex and our argument and the break... Who knows if I would ever have had the courage to tell Roman? Maybe it would have always stood between us. But now that wall was gone and we could build a future on the rubble.