Project Alpha

Chapter 32- I'm Sorry

Tony walked in with my food before Nat could answer, and he could clearly sense the tension in the room. "What's going on?" he asked.

I switched my gaze from Nat to him, desperately needing an answer. "Where is Bucky?"

Tony froze, obviously unsure of how to respond to the question. "Where is he, Dad?" I asked again, feeling that gut-wrenching sob starting to come up. "What happened to him?"

Neither of them could look at me now, both with looks of pain and guilt painted across their faces. Whether the pain was because of mine or their own, I wasn't sure, but their guilt had to be because I didn't know and they didn't want to be the ones to tell me. That means one thing. Bucky is still gone.

I released my sob and let the tears start to fall. Tony rushed over, wrapping his arms around me, trying his best to be of comfort, but there was nothing he could do. Knowing Bucky was still in captivity, or maybe even dead, is the worst possible thing that I could know.

"What is going on in here?" an All-American voice asked from the doorway. It might not have been much, but it made me smile, knowing that more of my family was safe.

"Steve," I gave a teary smile, after backing away from Tony's embrace to make sure it was who I thought it was.

"Aria, what's wrong?" Steve said, walking over to sit on the bed with the rest of us. Concern was written all over his face.

"Steve," I began, "what happened to Bucky?" I asked this as calmly as I could, trying to contain my tears for the time being.

Steve, the one who always told the truth, was looking around the room, unable to look me in the eyes. That's how I knew; Bucky was gone.

"Someone needs to tell me what happened," I said, letting a tear escape. I knew this had to be m fault somehow. Nat said that everything fell apart when I left, and I was starting to realize that she wasn't exaggerating.

Just when Bucky and I were starting to make some progress, it was all diminished by Hydra. Again. That stupid organization. That fucking organization that ruined everyone's lives, that was supposed to be a dead organization, was still in good enough shape to destroy my life all over again.

"You're still recovering," Tony says. "Why don't we save this for later?" But I refuse to give up on this topic. I need to know what happened because, based on everyone's faces, it couldn't have been good.

"She deserves to know, Tony," Nat softly suggests.

"No," Tony snaps, starting to gesture for Steve and Nat to leave the room, but neither seems too eager to follow his instructions.

"Tony," Steve almost begs.

"I said no. She doesn't need this. There is enough that she has to deal with, the last thing she needs is this."

"She is right here," I remind them all. "Dad, please. I need to know."

There is a long silence as Tony stares at me. I can't read his expression or even begin to know what he is thinking. No one speaks, no one moves; we all just wait for Tony to give his permission. One way or another, I will be finding out the truth. I need to know what happened, and how Bucky left.

"Fine," Tony finally gives in, "But only because you are so damn stubborn that you won't let it go." He grabs a tablet and hands it to Steve. "Aria, you just need to know that none of this was your fault, and you need to prepare yourself for what you are going to see and hear."

I look at him, questioning what he could possibly mean, but when I get no reaction, I look at Nat, then Steve. No one gives me a hint as to what I'm going to witness. Steve just hands me the tablet and plays a video.

"Run," I say, but I don't move. There seems to be something taking over my body, and my eyes start to glow. The camera was facing towards me, with Bucky's back turned towards it.

Almost immediately, Bucky bolts off, but you can hear him skid to an immediate stop. "Желание," I say; and I know immediately what happened from here, but I can't stop watching. I have to know more about everything, even if I don't like what happened.

"Aria, please," Bucky begs, and you can hear the desperation in his voice. But, I was already gone.

"Ржавый," I say, showing no mercy towards him. I can feel the tears starting to pool in my eyes, unable to contain my emotions over what I'm watching. It is so heartbreaking that I'm tempted to shove it away, but I just can't.

"Don't do this," he begs a final time. I'm praying for mercy to be shown that never will be.

"Семнадцать," I say, and he drops to the ground, probably feeling him starting to take over. "Рассвет."

His body flails backward, sucking in a desperate breath. I keep hoping for mercy to be shown, but I already know what happens. I knew from the moment that first word was uttered from my mouth.

"Девять.Доброкачественный."

The worst part about watching all of this is knowing that I felt nothing while saying those words. It may not have been the real me saying them, but watching it back now, fills me with nothing, but pure guilt. The words came from my body, my mouth, and somehow it isn't my fault? I don't think so.

"Возвращение на родину.Один."

The pool in my eyes spilled over, not wanting to be kept inside any longer. I can feel Tony, Steve, and Nat's gazes all on me, but they all have a different sort of intensity. Tony wants nothing more than to comfort me, and rip the tablet from me. Nat probably feels horrible for me, but knows I need to know the truth. And Steve...well, he probably blames me for what happened to Bucky. I wouldn't hold it against him if he did because, hell, I blame myself.

"Aria," Bucky begs one final time, but the hope that I will stop has disappeared from his voice. Even he knows that there is no stopping me from what I was doing.

Then, the moment that I was hoping for. The second I was waiting to come. The hesitation I was praying would come. I pause for a moment, but then say, "Товарный вагон."

Only screaming follows. The words worked. Nothing could stop it now. I let out a sob, unable to keep anything inside anymore. Once he says he is "ready to comply", I absolutely lose it. I shove the tablet back at Steve, not willing to see anything else. I noticed that the cameras cut out anyway, after that.

"It was my fault," I say through the sobs. Tony tries to comfort me, but I back away. I don't want anyone to touch me. "I'm a monster," I tell him, through tears and shoving my fingers through my hair. I want to rip it all out; it's what I deserve.

"You are not," Nat says.

"You can't say that anymore," I yell at her. "How can you say that after watching that?"

Steve stands there, saying nothing, but with sorrow written all over his face. It's definitely for his best friend, probably sorry that Bucky ever had to go through that. I feel horrible for doing that, and I don't even know how I am going to forgive myself. I can't believe those words, the ones that hold so much power over him, could ever come out of my mouth.

"I am so sorry, Steve," I say, looking him in the eyes, to make sure that he knows that I mean it.

"Me too," he says, and walks out.