Project Alpha

Chapter 34- Old Photos

I hate days like this. The kind of days where you want nothing more than to lay in your bed, staring at the ceilings, and mope. They are the days that I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, but that won't happen. Someone will worry if I don't get out of my room, which will lead to someone telling Tony, which will lead to my father trying to talk to me to find out what I'm upset about. I love my dad, but sometimes he can be a lot.

I look at the clock as if it will somehow give me the willpower to get up from the comfort of my bed, but it is failing me miserably. That stupid white alarm clock is doing nothing to help me get out of bed, but it is comforting knowing that I actually have my own space full of things that are solely mine. I missed this room so much while I was gone, but I do wish it was a little happier here and not so gloomy. It reminds me so much of the cells I was in with all of the darkness.

Maybe I can ask Tony if it's okay to redecorate. I'm sure it will be fine, but I want to do it on my own. I don't want anyone to help me because it's my space and I didn't really have a say in what it looked like the first time because I was just grateful to not be in Hydra anymore. That statement is still true, but I feel more welcomed now and less of an outsider.

The time is 10:30 when I finally get out of bed and throw a sweatshirt on. The real reason for leaving the warmth of my cozy bed is because I'm starving and some toaster waffles seem really good right now.

There isn't a peep being made in the compound when I step out of my room, which is weird for this time of the day. Normally there would be people at least watching tv in the common room, but no one is anywhere. I decided to figure it out after breakfast because my grumbling stomach is starting to silence the silence.

I throw some waffles in the toaster and have time to eat them, plus some strawberries before anyone even opens a door. Something is seriously off because there is always at least one person here, but right now it's just me.

"Hello!" I shout. "Is anyone here?"

Silence.

I figure that I should at least search a little before getting completely concerned. This is really the last thing I want to do right now, but if I don't find at least one person, I might just lose it. Don't get me wrong, I like to be alone, but I also like having a least one person around.

I search the gym, theater, and meeting room, and check the common area before I decide to check everyone's rooms just in case. I make it through, Tony, Natasha, Bruce, and Thor's rooms before I come upon Bucky's. My breath hitches in my throat for a moment, but I make the decision to just check Steve's room so that I don't have a breakdown.

I open Steve's door to find it exactly like the rest of the compound: empty. I let out a sigh, ready to close the door and pretend like I was never here when I catch a glimpse of a picture on Steve's nightstand. I walk over and pick up the frame, not believing what I see right in front of me.

The frame holds an image of Bucky and Steve from the forties. They both look so young, but still exactly the same as they do now. The thing that makes them look younger is the happiness and innocence behind their smiles. They look as if they are on top of the world and nothing could ever stop them from getting anything they want. If only they knew how things would turn out.

I can feel myself start to slip into sadness as I yearn for a chance to see Bucky one more time and apologize for everything that I did to him. Even if everyone tells me that it wasn't my fault, I know it was. I was the one who used the words to turn Bucky into the Winter Soldier again. I knew something was wrong with my head; I could have asked Bruce or Tony to fix it, but instead, I ignored it.

I fall to the floor and lean my back against Steve's bed as I release a sob. If I had done something, then Bucky would still be here. Steve and Nat wouldn't be angry with each other. There would be no feuding amongst the team. Tony and I might have actually had some father-daughter moments, but no, I just had to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't.

I hear some doors open and close somewhere in the compound thanks to the deafening silence, but I can't compile enough energy to get out and pretend I was never in there. I do the opposite and let out another sob, alerting whoever it was that I was a complete mess on the floor in Steve's room.

"Aria!"

The voice draws closer with each call of my name and soon I'm face to face with no other than Steve Rogers. He takes in the image of me sitting on the floor sobbing, then makes the decision to sit right next to me on the floor with a sad look plastered on his face. Steve takes the picture frame that I didn't realize I was still holding out of my hands and lets out a heavy sigh.

I let out another sob as I catch another glimpse of the picture. I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces as the guilt completely consumes me. I took Bucky away from everyone, not just me. He was Steve's best friend and he was just starting to become friendly with the others. It is my fault that he isn't here right now.

I look at Steve, but he is glancing down at the photo with a face of longing and sadness rolled into one. As if he can sense me looking at him, he shifts his gaze to me. I suck in my breath feeling guilty for even crying about what had happened. I shouldn't be sad about something that I had caused. It doesn't even feel right crying here, next to his best friend.

Just as I'm about to leave, Steve wraps an arm around my shoulder, keeping me there and pulling me closer to him. I can't help but sob again. "I'm so sorry," I get out between my cries.

"For what?" Steve asks.

"For taking away from you."

He doesn't say anything for a moment. If I didn't think it was my fault before, which I did, I would now. "It isn't your fault," Steve finally lets out.

"You say that, but I know that you think it's at least partly my fault," I say. "I wish I could undo all of it."

"Aria-"

"No, it's okay, Steve," I cut him off before he can say anything else. "I just want you to know that he was my friend and I never meant to hurt him."

A moment of silence passes over us. I'm not sure of what to do or say now, but it doesn't feel right to leave right now.

"It took me a while," Steve says. "It took me a while to not blame you for what happened. The words came out of your mouth. He was made to be the killer again because of words that came out of your mouth." He takes a moment, almost as if he second-guessing what he's saying, but Steve doesn't second guess, which means it's hard for him, whatever it is. "The more I watched that video, the less it sounded like you. That voice wasn't yours, and neither were the actions. I hated not having someone to blame for it, so I chose you to blame. I didn't mean to put the blame on you, but I did. I know now that it was never your fault, Aria. I mean that. I know that you love him just as much as I do and you would never purposefully hurt him."

It takes me a second to take in everything he said. I don't agree with him when he said I wasn't to blame, but it does help to relieve some of the guilt that had settled its place in my stomach. However, Steve was right when he said I would never purposefully hurt Bucky.

I look up to see Steve already waiting for my response, but all I can give him is a small smile through all of my tears. He took that as an okay to wrap his arms around me in the comforting hug that I didn't know I needed.

"Steve, can you promise me something?" I ask him.

"Of course," he answers, breaking the hug to look me in the eyes.

"Please never leave me here all alone again, it's weird when it's silent in the compound."

He just laughs and says, "I promise."

Steve gets up and gives me his hand to help me up as well. As I wipe my tears off and make my way toward the door, I pause forgetting one more thing. "Steve," I say.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know what happened between you and Nat, but you should forgive each other soon because you both need each other, even if you two won't admit it."

And with that, I leave, feeling a little better about everything, but I don't think I will feel good at all until Bucky is back with us.