Just a Crush: Dear Diary (Oli Sykes)

Chapter Eleven: Live a Little

'I just met Mat Nicholls, Lee Malia, and Matt Kean. The rest of Bring Me The Horizon were in my house. I fully expected them to ignore me because I'm just a child Oli has to babysit, but they were so nice to me. They sang karaoke with me on our PlayStation. It was a blast. I think Mat Nicholls is my favourite, though. He's really funny, and he told me to call him Mickey because it's a bit confusing when I say Mat. There's two of them, after all. Matt Kean's nickname is Vegan, but I find it a bit funny to call him that, so I'll just stick with Matt for now. And he (Mickey) taught me a song on the drums today. I hope he visits Oli again soon.'

We went to the side stage of Stage A at half past 8. Gemma was a bit tipsy, so she ran up to my parents and hugged both of them. They'd always got along really well with Gemma. She was like a second daughter to them. So, while she chatted with them, the rest of us just stood in a little circle and chatted about random things. The thought that Oli would be arriving soon kept distracting me as my eyes continuously glanced at the entrance. It was only when he and his band arrived five minutes before the start of the concert, and I felt a plunging feeling inside my stomach, that I realised just how incredibly pathetic I was. I fancied him still 6 years later. We haven't even spoken much in the past three years. He's left and returned time and again. I've put myself in awkward positions with him time and again. He's stopped talking to me time and again. I would see him and probably chat with him a bit in the next three days, and then that would end for God knows how long. What is even the point of letting these romantic feelings continue? I mean, it's just a crush. I'm not in love with him or anything, but even the crush is making me uncomfortable. What did I feel worse about trying to kiss him than James cheating on me for? Am I really that desperate? Incorrigible is the term one might use. But that's over. I decided then and there that I wouldn't fancy Oli anymore. He will never fancy me back, so it is absolutely pointless, innit?

"You alright, Len?" Mickey waved a hand in front of my face. "What?" I asked. "Are you alright? You've been staring at the floor, and you look a bit cheesed off," he explained. "Oh. Aye, I'm alright. I was overthinking," I said. "What were you overthinking? Not the show tomorrow, I hope?" He asked. Right, the show tomorrow. How am I to sing Hospital with him? Won't he know how much I'm hurt? Won't everyone after tomorrow? "I'll take the utter mortification on your face as a yes," he chuckled. "Well, no, I wasn't overthinking that before, but I am now," I sighed. "Can I give you a bit of advice?" He asked and put his hand on my shoulder. I nodded, and he led me to a corner where we wouldn't be overheard. "Whatever it is that's on your mind, just forget it. Don't give me that look. I know it seems that every problem you have is the worst thing you'll ever encounter, but it very probably isn't. You're healthy, you're young, and you're at a bloody rock festival! Enjoy yourself. Who cares if some wanker broke your heart. There are plenty of other blokes out there. You might even find one here," he smiled encouragingly. I visibly paled, and my eyes widened. "What? Has he told you?" I asked, my heart sinking. "Aye, he has. And I'm really sorry that it's happened to you. Teenage boys are wankers," he said. Teenage boys? Oh... "Oh! You're talking about James?" I asked. "I don't know what his name was. The American lad who's cheated on you," Mickey said. "Oh, no, I don't care about that anymore. I got my revenge on him," I cracked a smile. "What'd'you do?" He asked. "I kicked him in his balls," I shrugged. "That's my girl," he high-fived me. "What were you overthinking then?" He asked. "I can't tell you," I shook my head. "Alright, well whatever it was, it doesn't matter. Just forget about it and have fun. Live a little, Len. One day you'll wake up, having lived your life to the fullest and think back on this moment, and you'll say, 'thank bloody God I listened to Nicholls all those years ago,' or something along those lines. Don't look at me like that, Len. I know what I'm talking about. D'you know Oli used to be just like you? Overthinking everything... he's a bit better now. And he has thanked me for giving him this exact speech," he noted matter-of-factly. "Has he really?" I asked. "Well not in so many words," he muttered and I laughed. "He ought to, though! Anyway, and whatever it is that's stopping you from being bloody ecstatic about tomorrow, fock it. You are going to smash it. And the whole world will know you. Mark my words, you will be the next great metal voice out there. Once you're on that stage, you'll forget about everything else, trust me. Nothing else matters when you perform. You'll do brilliantly," he grinned. "I don't know if I can be so honest with thousands of strangers," I murmured. "Sorry?" He asked. "Hospital for Souls is really special to me. I don't know if Oli's told you about what I did around the time he moved out? The song is my safety blanket when I fear that I might want to hurt myself. I don't know if I want thousands of strangers to know how weak I am," I gulped. "He has. I'm sorry you've had to go through that. But look on the bright side. You are still here. You're doing better, you're doing the things you love. That doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong, which is exactly what you exude when you sing Hospital for Souls. It's what you exuded in your video, at least," he explained. I felt overwhelmed by his supportive words and I really felt seen by Mat in that moment. His speech didn't solve all my troubles, of course, but I did feel better. I hugged him and hummed a thanks. "Any time, Leonora. I'm looking forward to performing with you," his chest vibrated as he spoke. I released him and suggested we go join the others. He nodded and put his arm around my shoulders as we walked to the side of the stage. Mat stopped next to Oli who looked at us with furrowed brows. His gaze quickly shot to Mat's arm and he shook his head before looking away.