Just a Crush: Dear Diary (Oli Sykes)

Chapter Twenty-eight: Dunno

'I keep picking petals, and they always tell me 'he loves me not'.'

"What?" I asked, taken aback. Did he really just say what I think he did? "I fancy you," he said. "No, you don't," I shook my head. "Excuse me?" Oli lifted an eyebrow. "You can't fancy me. You fancy models and blonde bints. I'm neither of those. I'm just me," I said, shaking my head. "Leonora, I've said what I've said. You don't have to believe me. But I kind of wish you would because I've really had to work hard to come to that realisation and to terms with having feelings for someone who's not only a decade younger but also my friends' daughter, whom I babysat, mind you," he said, chuckling morosely. "I'm sorry," I apologised, looking down. "What are you apologising for?" He asked, confused. "Cause it must be an inconvenience for you," I muttered. I dunno why I wasn't jumping with joy. I should've been happy that he fancied me back. I mean, honestly, it's exactly what I've been too afraid to hope for. Haven't I dreamed of this moment countless times before? And now it was happening. Oli fancied me back. But now, I only saw the negative side of it. And I was afraid of what it even meant. "Whatever gave you that idea?" He asked. "Oli, you used the phrase 'had to come to terms with'. It sounds like an illness or something," I said, glancing at him. "No, sorry, that's not... ugh, no, it's not a bad thing, I don't think. I mean, at first, I felt like a wanker for even having those thoughts about you, but I've grown to enjoy the way you make me feel. Which is why I've decided not to fight it anymore. D'you know what I mean?" He tried explaining, although he only made it worse. "No, I don't know what you mean. I still feel like a wanker for having thoughts about you," I said. "Why?" He asked. "Because I've promised you I'd stop having a crush on you, and I haven't," I said. "But I've told you, I said that you shouldn't stop," he said gently. "Did you know in July? That you fancied me?" I asked. "I thought I might," he admitted. "You thought you might? And I was to continue liking you based on a maybe?" I asked, feeling slightly wronged. "I wanted to be sure before I did anything I couldn't take back. I would've been a complete arse had I kissed you before leaving. Especially cause I knew we wouldn't see each other for a long time," he told me. "But you're leaving again in two weeks," I noted. "Aye, I am, but that gives us two weeks to figure this out, don't it?" He said. "What's there to figure out? This will never work," I said solemnly. It hurt to say that out loud, but it was the truth. "Is that what you think?" He questioned. "Yes. It's just a silly infatuation. I don't know the first thing about love, and I'm not sure you do either," I said. "Does it matter? Nobody's said anything about love, Leonora. Aye, love is what would follow in an ideal situation, but there's so much to be done and said and experienced before that. Don't you want to explore what we might be? I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend, I'm asking you to just let this both sided fancy run its course," he said. "I don't know if I can. What if you wake up tomorrow and realise you'd made a huge mistake? I'm not sure that letting myself explore whatever it is I feel for you is the best idea. I don't want to end up getting hurt by you," I explained, trying to keep my voice as level as possible, although it was difficult because I felt incredibly vulnerable finally chatting about my crush with him. "The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. By me or anyone else. I really care about you, y'know?" He said, grabbing my hand ever so gently. "Then why did you tell me how you felt?" I asked. "Would you rather I hadn't? But then I'd be lying to you and to myself. Earlier, you asked me why I cussed Mickey out over the phone. Well, it was because he was getting on me to finally tell you the truth. Although, it was much less eloquently put over the phone. All of them know how I feel, and they have known since Razor Pulse. Hell, I think they assumed something was happening even before that because of how much I'd talked about you and how much I wanted to listen to your song," he explained. "I was wondering about that part... you've said that you wanted to completely cut off contact with me before Razor Pulse, but then you spoke about me and listened to Profuct of Our Time?" I questioned. "Do you want to know the complete truth?" He asked, looking into my eyes intently. I nodded, biting the inside of my cheeks.