Just a Crush: Dear Diary (Oli Sykes)

Chapter Twenty-five: Late Night Chats

'Oli's just left. I feel odd. He knows now. I don't know how to interpret his reaction, though. When I promised I'd get over him, he said 'don't,' and then he kissed my cheek. What the bloody hell does that mean? Did he mean I shouldn't talk about it anymore, or did he mean that I shouldn't move on? I'm confused. And I'm sad. And I'm going to see Gemma now.'

The last three months have been quite interesting. They've been incredibly productive and a bit life changing for Flying Rat's Arse. We've released Masks, and recently, we've filmed a proper music video for the song. It's already got so many views, likes, and comments. I just can't believe what singing with BMTH has done for our band. I think Gemma's started considering not ending her music career for medical school. Laurie, on the other hand, is still firmly set on law school. He really ought to rebel against his parents at some point, I reckon. Gemma's said it's very unlikely he would. They still don't know he's dating her. They've been together for almost four months now. That's forever, innit? I might be an incredibly bad friend just for thinking this, but I don't believe they'll last much longer. They've been arguing a lot ever since the start of term, which is quite soon in a relationship, I reckon. I wouldn't know, though. The only relationship I'd ever been in was with James, and we never really argued until he cheated on me. I've had quite a few spats with Oli, but we're not in a relationship, so it doesn't count. I've never argued with Remmy, though. And we've been in touch this entire time. We FaceTime every Sunday morning. It's lovely, and it always makes my day better. He was the first person I sent Masks to when we'd recorded it before it went on YouTube. He didn't ask who it was about, nor did he assume it was about him. He just said it was a good song. I appreciate how he never tries to dig too deep into my love life. And I never ask him about his in too much detail, either. I think we've become really close friends, without any romantic feelings involved at all. I know it began as a sort of summer romance, but right now, it's proper platonic, and I like it that way. I've always hated love triangles, and I never wanted to be in one. It sounds so presumptuous of me to use that word, love triangle. It's not a love anything, really. Oli's a mate, Remmy's a mate, and I ought to start aiming lower and find someone appropriate to fancy. I still haven't found anyone like that. Although, I don't know if I want to, really. If what Gem and Laurie have counts as an appropriate relationship, I don't want it. I don't want someone who's so afraid of his parents that he won't tell them the truth. To me, that seems like he's not confident enough in his relationship with her, which is absolutely blasphemous, mind you. If I could choose who I'm attracted to, I would 100% choose Gemma. We'd have a blast together. I'd want everyone to know that she was my girlfriend. She's amazing, and she deserves someone who treats her the way she ought to be treated. It's difficult, this situation. On the one hand, Laurie's been one of my closest mates for years, but on the other, I've began disliking him a bit for the way he is with her. Gemma hates it when I say anything about it, so I try keeping my thoughts to myself. Although, when I'm alone with Dom and Anika, I don't feel particularly obliged to keep my mouth shut. That was a long way of saying that Dom and Anika kind of agree with me. See, their relationship is one I wouldn't mind having. They seem to adore each other more and more with every day. And I think that's just lovely. However, they're a bit older than us. Therefore, they're more mature in the way they approach these things. But it doesn't matter because these romantic things do not concern me.

My focus now is my music and finishing school. The latter is quite a challenge, to be honest. I've been finding it exceptionally difficult to get motivated for school. I've been quite preoccupied with other things, such as music, writing new lyrics, stalking Oli on Instagram, waiting for Oli to reply, trying to get over Oli, but failing miserably, counting down the days until he returns and then reminding myself of my promise to him. Okay, so maybe I've lied a bit. Oli's not just a mate. I mean, he is, but the butterflies in my stomach every time he calls or writes are worrisome, to say the least. He's made good on his promise not to ghost me. A bit too good, if you ask me. We've been chatting almost every bloody day for the past three months. I've tried ending the conversations so many times, and he just finds ways to continue. What does he want from me? Why can't he stop confusing me? Why won't he stop calling? Is it normal that we chat over the phone almost every day? At all different and odd hours, mind you. Since he's been in America, we've been chatting at the most ungodly and weird hours. I've been so tired these past three weeks because I usually get only a few hours of sleep before I have to get up for school in the morning. It was easier when he was in Asia. For me, at least. I don't think he slept much during that month. Time zones are right wankers. And so is he. I've told him that we can just chat over messages, but he said he missed hearing my voice. Who says that??? I hate him. Ugh. No, I bloody don't. I hate how much I don't hate him. Regardless of my sleep deprivation, I've been in the best of moods. And in the worst. Honestly, the person who invented hormones is a fucking twat. I'd be tired even if we didn't talk at such late hours because of all the stress this friendship has been causing me. Gemma's told me that I should just go for it and snog him when he returns. I said I couldn't, and she gave me a knowing look. She's also told me that Mickey's told her that Oli's been really tired and happy, but also weirdly sad, too, lately. I don't know how I feel about the fact that they continue chatting about us. Or that they continue chatting at all.