Love Is Ǝvil

47 One Day I Plan To Be A Family Man

"That straight?", he asked. "Don't feel straight." You ain't. You playing inverse limbo and checking how high your ass goes?

"Yes." - "No." His daughters' answers weren't at all helpful. "From here it is", Hailie explained, "This is the good side, that's all that matters."

"Who says that?", Lainy asked. "This side looks way better."

Marshall robbed free from under the tree and stood up again. The lowest branches of the fir quivered slightly from where he crawled out of. His back didn't appreciate these floor exercises and he rubbed his neck for a second. Sleeping on the ground wasn't a thing he could recommend, but his bed was all wrong, how could he sleep in there? Focus, different problem.

Every year it was the same: nature defied his sense of symmetry and his daughters weren't helping. "Didn't we agree, this was the best side?", he asked and pointed to Hailie's side of the tree. Common sense dictated, if the tree couldn't appear straight on all sides, the good looking side was the measure of success. No tree ever appeared straight from all sides, at least not a real tree. This was usually the moment, when Marshall thought about buying a plastic one and saying to hell with this. You know how to handle a nice piece of plastic, homo, but real life's always better, ain't it?

"You guys agreed, not me", Lainy explained. "I like this side better."

Hailie shook her head. "There's a huge hole in the middle. See", she came to her sister and pointed out the gap between two branches. "There's a branch missing right here. That's just bad."

"That's where the big bulbs go, obviously. We always have to shove things aside for them anyway. Why not take the side that has actually space for them for a change?" Lainy had a point there.

Whitney jumped up and down. "I wanna put the star up. Can I put the star up? Please!" Excited she pulled at Marshall's t-shirt. "Pretty please!"

"Not now, Sweetie Pie", he tried to calm her and pried the star shaped ornament from her hand. The top decoration always went last, she knew that, but her excitement got the better of her every year.

"But this side has better levels", Lainy explained.

"So? My side has more branches", Hailie refuted.

Marshall sighed. He had heard all their arguments for the last half hour or so. They both had good points and no one wanted to relent. "How 'bout we take the real ugly side?", he suggested and went around the tree to the obvious backside of it. A small branch was already getting brown and there was a twig sticking out without any needles on it and the whole greenery was rather slim.

"No!", all three girls said in unison.

Good, at least some agreement could be reached. "Fine, then pick a side."

"It's my side, that's the best. It's all green and bushy and full, how a Christmas tree should be." Hailie was a very stubborn girl, she probably took that after her mother. "And it's straight now." Maybe his influence didn't help matters.

Lainy shook her head. "What good is that, if there isn't any space for the bulbs and stuff? Without levels, it's gonna be all chaos and ugly when we're done."

"Whitney?", Marshall asked growing exhausted already, "You have to decide."

"I want to put the star up", she said.

Conspiratorial, Hailie laid an arm around her sister's shoulders. "That will look way better on my side, don't you think?"

"Uhm, yes ...", Whitney hesitated and nodded unsure.

"Hey, that ain't fair", Lainy objected and looked to Marshall for reassurance. "She says yes to everything, as long as she gets her stupid star."

"My star isn't stupid", Whitney pouted.