Come find me | Luke Hemmings

Thirty Three: Month Five (Part I)

Btw, I was listening to Ghost by Halsey while writing :)

I like the sad eyes bad guys mouthful of white lies
//

Luke's POV

Agonizing pain.

That's all I have to describe this following month. I knew this new journey without her would tear me apart but I hoped for the best. Unfortunately it wasn't enough.

We got back on the road and nothing seemed to take my mind away from her, from the pain and the void she left in me. I could go through weeks without sleeping then drug my mind with pills and alcohol just to make through the day.

The guys said I wasn't being myself anymore. That I was always on dope and thats making me grumpy and careless. But what can I do if the anchor that used to keep me sane is gone? What could I do when all I had left was heartache and misery? My mind was telling me I lost her for good but in my heart I knew I would have her back. I just had to wait.

But I'm not a good waiter.

"Luke, hey mate thats enough" Mike says after I sniff a trail of cocaine. He pats me on the back and I turned to face him while rubbing my nose

"You can't fucking tell me if I had enough" my voice comes out harsh making Mike to take a step back

"Dude I know you miss Alas-"

"Don't fucking say her name" I point my finger on his face

"We know you miss her" he says within a sigh. "But this isn't a good way to deal with it"

I roll my eyes. Is he for real? I'm here holding up with the best I can and he comes here to tell me I'm not good at it?

"Don't tell me what to do" I sigh and prepare to walk away "You have no idea what is like to hold your happiness on your hand and watch it walk away from you" I clench my jaw and make my way into the stadium.

...

First I called her every single night just to make sure she was heartbroken and messed up like me. But after the second week I stopped because she was doing really fine. She's graduating next month, she has a job in The New York Times lined up, her life is better than it was and I couldn't stand seeing her doing so well while I'm here fucking every breathing being and doping my sorry head.

Then I'm stuck with this agonizing pain that never goes away. This sting in my chest that reminds me that no matter how hard I work to have her back I won't. Not anytime soon. I'm just stuck with a virus, sometimes it's dormant but it never heals, it never leaves, and just by hearing her name or seeing something that reminds me of her this fucking virus is back on my system to make me weak to my bones.

The days go by, we go to several cities and its safe to say the band is thriving. We're hitting number one in the charges, we're all so happy and proud but a smile is a foreign on my face. We're heading to soundcheck for our last gig of the month.

"Aawn, look at this ultrasound picture Taylor sent me" Ashton says flashing his phone to Calum "Summer is so big, you can even see her tiny nose" he smiles cheek to cheek.

"She's so cute!" Cal says with a smiley face and turns the phone so I can see it better

The photo is Taylor lying down with the ultrasound picture on her hands and Alaska next to her with a big smile.

"Yeah, your kid is a cupcake" I cough and step back feeling uneasy

I see her picture everyday on my phone but this one is tearing me in half. Maybe thats because on the photographs I have she's smiling mostly because of me, or I'm with her in the picture. But this one, this one has nothing to do with me. This one is a slap on my face that says she's okay without me. But I'm not fine at all.