I crave the pain.
The disrespect, the belittling, the screaming and sharp pain across my body.
I sit calm and safe, waiting for the harsh sting of a slap across my face.
Waiting for a tug on the hem of my skirt when all I want is to enjoy his presence.
That's what love is right?
Giving yourself to someone, caring for them no matter what.
How could someone who loves you cause you pain?
God I needed it.
I traded my vices like secrets, a sharp blade, a useless hookup, an empty relationship I know will destroy me.
I am confused by the gentle touches, terrified of his soft voice and smile lacking malice.
I crave the violence it is all I've ever known.
My parents trapped in screaming matches growing up.
My finances rough hands bruising my pale skin purple and blue.
My own fingertips dragging a blade down my skin.
The way I was so careless with drugs and alcohol.
The way I'd look for broken men who'd use me so I could feel whole for just a moment before they left as well the pain of it making me feel alive.
I struggle to relax.
To allow his calmness to be felt.
I crave the pain.
