He was looking up at me those deep brown eyes meeting my icy blue ones. I stared at him for a moment our eyes colliding like meteor's in the sky. I thought to remember the curve of his jaw, his cheekbones and the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. His lips were pulled in a straight line the bottom one caught between his teeth as he thought my question over. His hair was falling in his face from where he sat, leaned back in his seat. His legs were outstretched in front of him, he seemed so large, so in control, yet seemed unknowing as well. I was curled up into my seat my knees pulled to my chest, small and helpless, raw to the words I waited for him to mutter.
"What makes you think you're not good enough."
He was staring at me now those eyes held no remorse a challenge to give him an actual reason. He saw me as annoying at this point I was sure of it as i just kept repeating the same actions in search of a new result. I exhaled loudly my words caught in my throat, his stare felt like it was piercing my soul sucking the air out of the room, commanding his attention.
"I just don't understand why you don't like me."
He paused his eyebrows scrunching up as his arms moved to cross his chest sitting up. He shook his head his hair falling forward as he side eyed me. I knew what I was doing and I was worried he did too. A constant battle, a pattern of pain, looking for the outcome I want knowing it won't be the one I receive.
"You're doing it again, I told you not to get attached I don't know what you want from me. I'm tired of this, whatever this is. Of course I like you, I think you're a great person but I won't love you. I don't think I'm able to love you not now not ever you need to accept that"
His eyes flashed in pain for a second. As though he second guessed the words he spoke, they had tasted like a lie on his tongue. He's staring at me again waiting for my response, searching my eyes for an answer. Some show that I heard him that I understood, but I just sat frozen the words caught in the back of my throat.
If I stayed silent perhaps then he would confess, tell me he cared even just a little. Tell me I simply waited too long to tell him my feelings, that I had missed my opportunity. I feel like maybe that would be better than knowing my feelings were one sided the entire time. Knowing the way I slept in his arms meant nothing to him just another day. Realizing his jokes and playful touches were for everyone not something special between us. That the messages he sent were to get in my head to have me in his pocket not any real truth behind them. That I was never a choice for him let alone his first choice.
"I just don't understand, what does she have that I don't."
He looked at me frowning deeply, the disappointment in my words feel off of him in waves. He pushed back his hair away from his face as he looked at me. It seemed like he was doing the same thing I was, trying to sculpt every detail of his face into my head. Being able to remember him perfectly when he left me for the last time.
"My heart"
The words left his lips just as quickly as he got up and left. It felt like a bullet piercing through me the ringing in my ears wouldn't stop as I just stared at his leaving form. What was I thinking believing someone could ever actually care about me.
