I look down at the paper in my hands and I wonder why I wrote down what I did. I don't understand anything, I don't know why I feel the way I do for you. I crumple the paper and toss it away tears flowing down my face freely. I while them away and stand in the mirror. My eyes appeared sunken in from the dark bags under them. My hands shaked and I could feel my bones cracking over the pressure of just standing. I hate myself. I looked back up at the mirror and laughed, a wide smile across my lips and nodded before leaving the house. I drove past your house and I wondered for a split second what would happen if I just showed up, If I just pulled into your drive way and called your name. Would you fly out of the house running to me or would you ignore me. I drove on the idea being put back into the depths of my mind. I stopped at the school pulling into the parking lot and sitting there in my car my eyes going across the wheel , my head down as I watched tears hit the wheel. I wiped them away sniffling before hoping out and going to the school. I put on my smile, another day another lie. I kept my smile on only to crash when I got home. I don't know what my feeling are but I know I want to be with you. And that it's killing me being away. My eyes went to my trash car the words on the paper catching my eyes. I'm sorry but I wasn't truly living, not without you. You kept me alive, away from my demons but I suppose its all my fault your gone and man do I wish I didn't do that. So I'm sorry I didn't show signs im good at covering up my pain. I think I learned that from you. So I'm sorry but goodbye. My eyes went to the pill bottle and razor on my desk before turning my head to the window watching the birds fly about the sun high in the sky. No I might not be living to the full but I will live. I can't love you forever, the feelings will go away. I tell myself that but I know you will always have my heart. I really do hate seeing you cry.
